Forever Alone!!!

Watch Me

You think you own me Try to control me With your words...actions...opinions Please know what you have to say Means nothing You doubt me You say I can’t do this I won’t accomplish that I’m not sorry my dreams are to big For your small mind to comprehend Dreams are dreamt By the strong and brave at heart By those who believe in themselves And have the drive to finish What they have start Don’t doubt me Because I have faith In what I’m capable of doing Don’t hate me For the way I talk about My dreams becoming a reality Don’t speak to me About your negative view points And question how I will get there Just know that I will indeed get there Your hate...your doubt Is the fuel to my fire of desire Desire to prove you wrong Because while you’re sitting there Bathing in your jealousy I’ll be thinking to myself Watch Me

I'm not a good friend

These words I never thought I'd hear, but heard. Those weren't the exact words but my own. I'm not a good friend. It hurts. It sucks. But what can I do but try and change. You don't believe me because all I do is seem to lie. I can't get around that... I did what I did and I'm sorry. You say only time will tell, but I feel maybe time is beginning to run out. You're leaving in some months, and I feel all I'll be is a distant memory. But what does it matter if I allow you to have no purpose in my life...If I don't give you purpose in my life. I want to open up to you... I want my actions to follow my words when I call you my best friend. I closed up and I don't know how to open back up. Do I want to be labeled as not a good friend or actually work towards being that good friend? I honestly don't know because there's no way of starting over. Being a bad friend will always be held against me. Lying. You can never trust a liar the way you trusted them the first time...so i ask myself what's the point of even trying. But I allowed that to fall upon me... I made this happened. It's my fault. It's me. It's me. I just don't know anymore.

Cause next year is going to be different...

I hate the fact that you think I'm incapable of a lot. Make sure you pay your cell phone bill before you go to Vegas, and I want the fucking house cleaned before you leave. Like seriously? I think I'm old enough to know to pay my bills before enjoying myself for the weekend. I'm not stupid or incompetent. I've allowed myself to become insecure because of you. It seems nothing I do is right. You for sure allow it to be known when it's not, and when I seem to be doing as you wish of me you say NOTHING. SMH. I don't get it. All I've ever done was try to make YOU happy...try to make YOU proud... striving to gain YOUR attention and affection, but it only seems as if I gain it when I do something RIGHT or do what you want. Something I've figured has shaped me into someone I don't want to be anymore. I don't want to cry out for attention by making other people happy. By going the extra mile and getting nothing in return. Not even a mother fucking thank you. I'm done. Or giving gifts in order for someone to love and appreciate me. I'm done. Or lying because I don't want to hurt your feelings or someone else's or because I don't want to hear your fucking mouth go off when you know you're fucking WRONG. DONE DONE DONE. Before I lose my sanity I need to be done. 2012 is looking so good to me right now, but I have to get through this year. This year of over stretching myself in order for people to see me. This year of doing everything I possibly can to make you and those around me happy. This year of throwing myself around like a fucking rag doll in the name of love. I need to stop before I lose my damn mind.Ifeel like I've lost myself in you and other people. My heart is weak, and I've lost various pieces to so many people including you mom. So I'm throwing in the towel. And I'm done. I can't go on another day losing my vision for MY life... or not doing what I want because you told me I shouldn't. You had the chance to be a mother but you blew it.It wasn't on purpose but those years of you being a parent or trying to parent are gone now. I don't need you to hold my hand anymore... I don't need you to tell what I can and can not do anymore. Those are my choices to make. I need a friend now but you don't understand that. I can't make you understand. You have to learn that on your own. I'm done teaching how to do what you were suppose to do the first 18 years of my life. Cause that wasn't my duty in the first place.

Life 2011

We grow. We change. We love. We hate. We cry. We laugh. But nothing ever stays the same. We build relationships some romantic some not. We learn to appreciate...and learn to love. We move forward. Face new challenges and sometimes still have those same people by our sides. I love you. And I will always care. You were my first everything. And I appreciate you still being here as my friend. Friendships never die unless we allow them to, and I promise I won't this one die. Forever and ever...remember :) <3

Blah

I hate this feeling of not being able to do anything with my life. No money. No job. I feel so stuck. Yes i know...the economy sucks and there are a lot of people go through this...especially those who've graduated from college. I just... I'm so tired. Tired of being yelled at and feeling as if I don't do anything right. Whether I don't call someone or don't do the kitchen. Sometimes it's just like leave me alone. I don't know. I'm tired of life right now. I'm just tired. Maybe I should run away and just start over. I'm always in the wrong somehow. it's always my fault when something goes wrong. Sigh.

Tears heal the wounds of a mending heart. I shed a few tonight over you while driving home. It's been awhile. No not a day or even a week. A good month and a half I'd say...maybe even 2, but that would probably be pushing it. I'd go with a month or so. Sigh.