While going through so much right now, I had to come back to this song. I remember this song Oh so well, when I felt so much pain. Not feeling loved by my father. Feeling like the odd ball. So insecure. Just didn't feel like living. Wanting to die, because I felt life wasn't worth living. Compared to so many I felt inadequate.I turned to cutting in order to relieve myself of the hurt and the pain, then soon learned that it was a cover to what was really going on inside of me. I was listening to this song when I first started cutting, and this song signifies so much.
Another bird has grown
Another part of all of us is gone
Another right has been wronged
Still we go on and on until
The words for each of us are all to real
Still I am not able to feel what you feel
And I cannot say how long, it will take for you to heal
[Chorus]
But I believe you will
And someday your broken heart will mend I know it will
And you will find your smile again
Take your time, for time is what it's gonna take
And then one morning you'll awake to find there's one less tear
Then you've healed, I believe you will
The world has let you down
And words that could explain could not be found
To say that I understand is not enough
And it's gonna be a little while,
before your heart can learn to trust
[Chorus]
When you feel like all your hope is gone
Keep holding on till you find your way back to the garden
Find a way to heal you heart again
[Chorus]
This soldier is tired of fighting. Fighting for something that right now seems and feels pointless. Going back in circles, trying to break it. But it's as if it's unshatterable. Trying to be there, wanting to be there, but parts of me is ready to give up. I'm tired of the uncertainty. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being nice, and holding back. I'm tired. Argh. It's like I never got the chance to be mad, to be angry, to be upset, to kick and scream because of the unfairness that was posed on me that weekend. I couldn't be a bitch, I couldn't just walk out and leave. I couldn't be ruthless and fall off the face of the earth. It fucking upsets me to the point where I just want to break everything insight. The rage and anger I feel inside is unbearable, and some how I need to let it out... but without hurting people in my life. Let's see how this goes.
Life is a precious gift from God, but so many forget that. I just lost someone special to me, Little Miss Zaria Williams.
I came into contact with Zaria, at the Boys and Girls Club; January 17th 2007 to be exact. It was my first day working there. I was walking around the club, trying to find my way to the Power Hour room (it's a place they did homework lol) when suddenly I heard a voice asking, "Are you lost?" I turned and looked, and it was this cute little girl in pink. I asked if she could direct me to the room I was assigned to. She grabbed my hand, and I followed her down the hall. I opened the door, long and behold it was the Power Hour Room. She told me how she needed to do homework, and asked if I could help her. I said sure. She was the first kid I helped at the BGC.
I remembered we played ping-pong and foosball after homework time. It was her, her cousin Dru, and I. We were having so much. Interacting with them was the bestest ever. The
y were like my little sisters. I loved Zaria so much.
My heart goes out to her cousin Dru. They were like sisters, even though technically they were cousins. They were so close, and now I know Dru is feeling like there's something missing. Losing someone that close I know has to be hard on her. Man Dru, I wish I could give you a big hug right now, and tell you it's going to be okay. That the hurting you feel, will soon go away but only God can take that hurt and pain. I'm praying for you Dru. I'm hoping that Marie will get in contact with the family, and that we'll be able to be at the funeral. Marie was another lady that worked with me at the Boys and Girls Club. She told me the news, and she says she'll do everything she can to make sure that I know everything that needs to be known. I really want to go to the funeral.
In the end I know it will all be okay. I know you're up in Heaven, Zaria, smiling down on me, saying "Don't cry Ms. Keena." But I can't help it. You were such a special little girl, and you taught me so much. I will always have those memories we shared at the Boys and Girls Club. I love you Zaria "Lil Z" Williams. Rest In Peace Baby Girl.
