Cause next year is going to be different...

I hate the fact that you think I'm incapable of a lot. Make sure you pay your cell phone bill before you go to Vegas, and I want the fucking house cleaned before you leave. Like seriously? I think I'm old enough to know to pay my bills before enjoying myself for the weekend. I'm not stupid or incompetent. I've allowed myself to become insecure because of you. It seems nothing I do is right. You for sure allow it to be known when it's not, and when I seem to be doing as you wish of me you say NOTHING. SMH. I don't get it. All I've ever done was try to make YOU happy...try to make YOU proud... striving to gain YOUR attention and affection, but it only seems as if I gain it when I do something RIGHT or do what you want. Something I've figured has shaped me into someone I don't want to be anymore. I don't want to cry out for attention by making other people happy. By going the extra mile and getting nothing in return. Not even a mother fucking thank you. I'm done. Or giving gifts in order for someone to love and appreciate me. I'm done. Or lying because I don't want to hurt your feelings or someone else's or because I don't want to hear your fucking mouth go off when you know you're fucking WRONG. DONE DONE DONE. Before I lose my sanity I need to be done. 2012 is looking so good to me right now, but I have to get through this year. This year of over stretching myself in order for people to see me. This year of doing everything I possibly can to make you and those around me happy. This year of throwing myself around like a fucking rag doll in the name of love. I need to stop before I lose my damn mind.Ifeel like I've lost myself in you and other people. My heart is weak, and I've lost various pieces to so many people including you mom. So I'm throwing in the towel. And I'm done. I can't go on another day losing my vision for MY life... or not doing what I want because you told me I shouldn't. You had the chance to be a mother but you blew it.It wasn't on purpose but those years of you being a parent or trying to parent are gone now. I don't need you to hold my hand anymore... I don't need you to tell what I can and can not do anymore. Those are my choices to make. I need a friend now but you don't understand that. I can't make you understand. You have to learn that on your own. I'm done teaching how to do what you were suppose to do the first 18 years of my life. Cause that wasn't my duty in the first place.