Dictionary.com: –adjective 1.possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.
To be brave I feel is not being afraid of any outcome within any situation. Being able to hold your head up high with whatever happens. It's okay to feel defeat, but to claim it is something different. In life there will be sadness,but know that happiness is right around the corner. We have to keep our mind centered on the positive. As hard as it may be at times. We just have to keep moving forward with our heads held high, as we heal from the things of the past.
Brave-Leona Lewis
Angels lift you off the ground
I've got shadows weighing me down
Still you believe
You believe in me
I wish I could feel that way
You can trust so easily
I can't give you all of me
Stay holding on
When you should be gone
I wish I was that brave
You go to war for love like a soldier
I wanna run away
You're never scared to walk through the fire
I wish I had your faith
I turned away
Knowing my heart could break
I'm so afraid to lay down my armour
I'm not brave
I'm not brave
Keep my shield up constantly
Stop these arrows piercing me
Now I dont know how
How to put it down (These are right I think)
I wish I was that brave
Leona Lewis Brave lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com.com/leona-lewis-brave-lyrics.html
You go to war for love like a soldier
I wanna run away
You're never scared to walk through the fire
I wish I had your faith
I turned away
Knowing my heart could break
I'm so afraid to lay down my armour
I'm not brave
I'm not brave
Oh I'm not, I'm not brave
Still you believe
You believe in me
I wish I was that brave
You go to war for love like a soldier
I wanna run away
You're never scared to walk through the fire
I wish I had your faith
I turned away
Knowing my heart could break
I'm so afraid to lay down my armour
I'm not brave
I'm not brave
I'm not brave
I'm not brave
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
A gift from God...not a curse
My love for God has grown immensely after coming face to face with the reality that I am a Christian and a lesbian, and it's okay. It's hard living in a world where I'm looked at differently because of who I claim to be. Hearing all over that it's either a phase, that it's something I'll grow out of, or that God doesn't love people like me and I'm an abomination and that i need to change.
Being at a "Christian" institution doesn't make matters any easier. Where I'm flogged with the hidden messages that God doesn't make people homosexual. Well I believe that to be false because God doesn't make junk, and I for sure as hell ain't standing for that. People try over and over to come up with some practical way to say why someone is gay, but there isn't one except that they were created that way including myself to fulfill something that God has for their journey in life.
I am destined for something great, and this is a gift that God gave me to achieve that. I get my confirmation of who I am from God first and those who accept and love me for me. I want the voice of those who are oppressed by society to be heard when it comes to the issue of being gay. Giving them the assurance that God does love them, regardless of what those ignorant picketers flash on their GLBT hater signs.
How can one "choose" to live a life where they are an outcast, talked down upon, hated, and so much more. Personally if it were a choice and I knew what would have come with it I probably wouldn't have chosen it for myself. But this is who I am, and who God has made me to be. So I'm going to run with it, and live-out my life serving Him and allow him to use this gift to further His kingdom by reaching those who the church outcasts. Showing them love instead of hate, compassion instead of pride. Life's to short, and to many young people are dying because they aren't accepted by society and I'm tired of sitting around knowing that it's happening. God's plan for them wasn't for them to take their own lives. That's what lies heavy on my heart right now. The number of teens and even people my age who are so fearful of what those who claim to love them will say, that it's easier to just die. It's not easy to stay trapped in "the closet", but it's the route that many who are GLBT have to face sometime in their own life.
I want to go into talking about me for a second. I know you're probably wondering what about your journey Keena, where have you come from with everything...
From a young age I was always attracted to girls. At that stage a lot of people would say well you're a child it's curiosity. Welllll sure you can say that but the feelings I had were more then just curiosity. Now what I'm about to say is really personal and I've been going back and forth in should i share this or should i not but who cares it's about me damnit, anyways when I was about 6 or 7 I kissed my next door neighbor in my bed. I know you're like Keena you were so young, I know i know. But let me tell you when my mom walked in I've never been snatched so fast in all my life. My mom gave me the butt whooping of a life time. I never knew why it was wrong. I mean grant it I was very young to be active in those type of activities but that still didn't serve any justice to me getting my ass handed to me quite literally, and that's when the suppression of my feelings for girls came into play.
Now off to middle school. After suppressing my feelings for so long I felt "normal" to an extent. That I was like all the other girls talking about boys and wanting to be with one and blah blah blah. And then that day came when I started getting these stirred up feelings for a close friend in 7th grade. I wasn't sure what to do at the time. I was like what the hell why is this happening. Why do i have these feelings? After going to this church for a while I was then told it was a sin to like those of the same-sex and that it was wrong. Wanting to be the good Christian I sacrificed my feelings. I've never felt so trapped in all my life. Just wanting to be free, but being told I can't be free in who I was. Soooo suppression was all that could be done, until 8th grade and I was tired of just hiding it. I had liked this girl and had a dream about her and wrote her a letter just telling her everything. Yeeeeeah that wasn't such a bright idea. I was looked at funny by all her friends and even some of my own who i thought were my friends. Not a good look. At that point was the time I got very suicidal and just didnt want to have to deal with life anymore. Soooo sad.
Now journey through high school. After being shut down basically in middle school and basically left behind I continued to suppress my feelings. I just wanted to be "normal" like everyone else. And I was at a point where I didn't like girls or so i thought after suppressing myself to think that. As senior year rolled around those feelings again began to take charge. But i felt like there was nothing I could do. It was something I just kept on fighting. That's all i was ever told to fight against the sin blah blah. I kept to myself a lot in high school. Didn't want to be seen.
NOW COLLEGE... This is where it really all begins. So the reason why I chose to come to Biola was because hey it's a Christian university. This should help me with my issue. Yes i saw it as being an issue because that's what it is to a lot of people now a days and back then. I just had the idea of getting right with Jesus, and being around Christian people who feel the same... life is good. Negative. Sophomore year i had a thing for this one girl who lived on the floor. I told her, and lets say shit hit the fan just like how it did in middle school. Her friends whole all lived on the floor knew. They looked at me funny day in and day out. I had a talk with the R.D. about it, and was told about the "standards of biola" It's funny how their standards matter most then my own heart or my being human..sad i know.After that I went to a friend from back home who shall remain nameless, who i trusted. She was a strong believer and told me I could go to her for anything, so i took her word for it. I went to her and told her everything that happened, and the first thing she told me, "You're going to go to hell if you don't fix this. God didn't make you this way you chose to be this way. So you need to stop this nonsense and get right with God." It's like what do you say to that. I'm sorry you think I'm going to hell. After that my "gayness" was something I kept to myself until I came out to my friends in the Spring about it, being that I was in a relationship with Cacey, and I wanted to be accepted and them being my friends wanted them to know about who I was with . Who's cacey you may ask? Ummm did u not read the sentence before it LOL. Anyways I came out to my friends for support because it was something I couldn't hide about myself anymore. This was something that I felt needed to be share because it was and is apart of who I am. If i hid that part of me I was hiding all of me. And that's not fair to either party. I got another lecture from one friend that was about the same as the nameless person. I was condemned to hell basically, and if i didnt change they wouldn't see me as a friend or a Christian anymore. Soooo what did i do... nothing. Absolutely nothing. I felt like there was really nothing I couldn't have done. For the period of time that I was with Cacey I thought I was feeling conviction from God, when in reality it was the weight of condemnation I got from all of those whom i thought cared about me, and loved ME... but how could they when they didn't really know me in the first place. It was like i still felt like the same person, except they just knew i preferred women over men. But as time went on and Cacey left for her journey out in Arizona I began to search for me. And see who Keena was meant to be. Still associated with those friends who condemned me here at Biola, I felt different. I wasn't compelled to share due to seeing their true colors, but I saw a change within me. And then as the semester came around that's where the real transformation took place. With help from my best friends who do support me, my sister, and Cacey whom I love dearly I was able to see who God saw me to be. A beautiful creation.
I began to do my own research about What the bible truly says about homosexuality. Building my own beliefs, and not following the "Christian" thoughts and ideas. I began to focus on Keena's ideas and thoughts. Looking and reading. Also finding a church by my school that is accepting and affirming of those who are GLBT. Facing myself in the mirror and telling myself that God made me wonderfully and fearfully. That even though people see me as being different, God sees me as being something beautiful. So many get caught up in what the bible says. A book that has been translated and revised only God knows how many times. Do you know the word homosexual wasn't in the original manuscripts but was added in 1946? Hmm interesting huh. I just felt the need to have some of my journey be told. I mean that's only the tip of the iceberg, but there it is. Until next time :*
Being at a "Christian" institution doesn't make matters any easier. Where I'm flogged with the hidden messages that God doesn't make people homosexual. Well I believe that to be false because God doesn't make junk, and I for sure as hell ain't standing for that. People try over and over to come up with some practical way to say why someone is gay, but there isn't one except that they were created that way including myself to fulfill something that God has for their journey in life.
I am destined for something great, and this is a gift that God gave me to achieve that. I get my confirmation of who I am from God first and those who accept and love me for me. I want the voice of those who are oppressed by society to be heard when it comes to the issue of being gay. Giving them the assurance that God does love them, regardless of what those ignorant picketers flash on their GLBT hater signs.
How can one "choose" to live a life where they are an outcast, talked down upon, hated, and so much more. Personally if it were a choice and I knew what would have come with it I probably wouldn't have chosen it for myself. But this is who I am, and who God has made me to be. So I'm going to run with it, and live-out my life serving Him and allow him to use this gift to further His kingdom by reaching those who the church outcasts. Showing them love instead of hate, compassion instead of pride. Life's to short, and to many young people are dying because they aren't accepted by society and I'm tired of sitting around knowing that it's happening. God's plan for them wasn't for them to take their own lives. That's what lies heavy on my heart right now. The number of teens and even people my age who are so fearful of what those who claim to love them will say, that it's easier to just die. It's not easy to stay trapped in "the closet", but it's the route that many who are GLBT have to face sometime in their own life.
I want to go into talking about me for a second. I know you're probably wondering what about your journey Keena, where have you come from with everything...
From a young age I was always attracted to girls. At that stage a lot of people would say well you're a child it's curiosity. Welllll sure you can say that but the feelings I had were more then just curiosity. Now what I'm about to say is really personal and I've been going back and forth in should i share this or should i not but who cares it's about me damnit, anyways when I was about 6 or 7 I kissed my next door neighbor in my bed. I know you're like Keena you were so young, I know i know. But let me tell you when my mom walked in I've never been snatched so fast in all my life. My mom gave me the butt whooping of a life time. I never knew why it was wrong. I mean grant it I was very young to be active in those type of activities but that still didn't serve any justice to me getting my ass handed to me quite literally, and that's when the suppression of my feelings for girls came into play.
Now off to middle school. After suppressing my feelings for so long I felt "normal" to an extent. That I was like all the other girls talking about boys and wanting to be with one and blah blah blah. And then that day came when I started getting these stirred up feelings for a close friend in 7th grade. I wasn't sure what to do at the time. I was like what the hell why is this happening. Why do i have these feelings? After going to this church for a while I was then told it was a sin to like those of the same-sex and that it was wrong. Wanting to be the good Christian I sacrificed my feelings. I've never felt so trapped in all my life. Just wanting to be free, but being told I can't be free in who I was. Soooo suppression was all that could be done, until 8th grade and I was tired of just hiding it. I had liked this girl and had a dream about her and wrote her a letter just telling her everything. Yeeeeeah that wasn't such a bright idea. I was looked at funny by all her friends and even some of my own who i thought were my friends. Not a good look. At that point was the time I got very suicidal and just didnt want to have to deal with life anymore. Soooo sad.
Now journey through high school. After being shut down basically in middle school and basically left behind I continued to suppress my feelings. I just wanted to be "normal" like everyone else. And I was at a point where I didn't like girls or so i thought after suppressing myself to think that. As senior year rolled around those feelings again began to take charge. But i felt like there was nothing I could do. It was something I just kept on fighting. That's all i was ever told to fight against the sin blah blah. I kept to myself a lot in high school. Didn't want to be seen.
NOW COLLEGE... This is where it really all begins. So the reason why I chose to come to Biola was because hey it's a Christian university. This should help me with my issue. Yes i saw it as being an issue because that's what it is to a lot of people now a days and back then. I just had the idea of getting right with Jesus, and being around Christian people who feel the same... life is good. Negative. Sophomore year i had a thing for this one girl who lived on the floor. I told her, and lets say shit hit the fan just like how it did in middle school. Her friends whole all lived on the floor knew. They looked at me funny day in and day out. I had a talk with the R.D. about it, and was told about the "standards of biola" It's funny how their standards matter most then my own heart or my being human..sad i know.After that I went to a friend from back home who shall remain nameless, who i trusted. She was a strong believer and told me I could go to her for anything, so i took her word for it. I went to her and told her everything that happened, and the first thing she told me, "You're going to go to hell if you don't fix this. God didn't make you this way you chose to be this way. So you need to stop this nonsense and get right with God." It's like what do you say to that. I'm sorry you think I'm going to hell. After that my "gayness" was something I kept to myself until I came out to my friends in the Spring about it, being that I was in a relationship with Cacey, and I wanted to be accepted and them being my friends wanted them to know about who I was with . Who's cacey you may ask? Ummm did u not read the sentence before it LOL. Anyways I came out to my friends for support because it was something I couldn't hide about myself anymore. This was something that I felt needed to be share because it was and is apart of who I am. If i hid that part of me I was hiding all of me. And that's not fair to either party. I got another lecture from one friend that was about the same as the nameless person. I was condemned to hell basically, and if i didnt change they wouldn't see me as a friend or a Christian anymore. Soooo what did i do... nothing. Absolutely nothing. I felt like there was really nothing I couldn't have done. For the period of time that I was with Cacey I thought I was feeling conviction from God, when in reality it was the weight of condemnation I got from all of those whom i thought cared about me, and loved ME... but how could they when they didn't really know me in the first place. It was like i still felt like the same person, except they just knew i preferred women over men. But as time went on and Cacey left for her journey out in Arizona I began to search for me. And see who Keena was meant to be. Still associated with those friends who condemned me here at Biola, I felt different. I wasn't compelled to share due to seeing their true colors, but I saw a change within me. And then as the semester came around that's where the real transformation took place. With help from my best friends who do support me, my sister, and Cacey whom I love dearly I was able to see who God saw me to be. A beautiful creation.
I began to do my own research about What the bible truly says about homosexuality. Building my own beliefs, and not following the "Christian" thoughts and ideas. I began to focus on Keena's ideas and thoughts. Looking and reading. Also finding a church by my school that is accepting and affirming of those who are GLBT. Facing myself in the mirror and telling myself that God made me wonderfully and fearfully. That even though people see me as being different, God sees me as being something beautiful. So many get caught up in what the bible says. A book that has been translated and revised only God knows how many times. Do you know the word homosexual wasn't in the original manuscripts but was added in 1946? Hmm interesting huh. I just felt the need to have some of my journey be told. I mean that's only the tip of the iceberg, but there it is. Until next time :*
hm.i love you.
I don't know where to start, nor do I know when this will end. I have so many things i feel like i need to release. So many emotions and feelings that i feel like you should know about. things that i want to get off my chest. i love you. three simple words, but yet it doesn't even seem like enough to even scratch the surface of what i feel for you. there's like this deep down incredible feeling i get when im around you, get a message from you, or even know that there's a chance i can see you. something about the way you love me gets me so worked up and emotional. sometimes i just feel like crying because its so overwhelming, i don't know how to handle it.
i know you're not him and sometimes its hard to separate that when its been the same old habits for the past three years. but i really am working on that. sometimes its hard to believe that i have indeed moved on to something so much better. its hard, because sometimes its easier for me to revert back to old ways, because that is what i know. it was always predictable. i always knew the outcome. i was... comfortable, but NOT in a good way. more in the settled way. settling for less because it was better than the last, but still not the best. settling because i thought the real thing would never really come to be. settling because i thought i could fix and change him. settling because things started to happen the way me and him had planned. settling because i was afraid of taking a chance and allowing you to consume all of me fully. i guess sometimes i just feel like i don't deserve you and the way you love me. i feel like because i endured him for three years, that's what i had to settle for, that that was as good as it got. and you came and proved it all wrong.
sometimes a person is so open to love others no matter their flaws, that's its hard to believe that they could have that same unconditional love back. and when it comes around, its hard to accept it. change is always hard no matter what, good or bad. i got into the flow of things, and i talked myself into the "well that's just the way things are" mentality that i felt like there would never be anything better... that the situation BECAME my something better. and then BAM one day, the real thing comes along, and i wasn't too sure how to act with it. i didn't understand how to allow the real thing to make me happy and to let go of the settled. its hard to make the transition. some people make it, and some don't.
I'm determined to make it, because no matter how many irking thoughts i have, i KNOW i deserve this. i deserve you. i deserve my something good, FINALLY. i deserve that true unconditional love. and i realize that you're the only person that could give me such a thing. so when i say i love you.. it just seems too simple because there's more to it then that. there's more feeling behind it. i love you seems too mundane of a phrase to use for you. its not profound enough. but in some odd way, it says it all. it wraps every waking emotion i feel about you into three simple words... that are too simple, but yet perfect all at the same time.
I don't know. i just love you. all of you. for who you are. always.
i know you're not him and sometimes its hard to separate that when its been the same old habits for the past three years. but i really am working on that. sometimes its hard to believe that i have indeed moved on to something so much better. its hard, because sometimes its easier for me to revert back to old ways, because that is what i know. it was always predictable. i always knew the outcome. i was... comfortable, but NOT in a good way. more in the settled way. settling for less because it was better than the last, but still not the best. settling because i thought the real thing would never really come to be. settling because i thought i could fix and change him. settling because things started to happen the way me and him had planned. settling because i was afraid of taking a chance and allowing you to consume all of me fully. i guess sometimes i just feel like i don't deserve you and the way you love me. i feel like because i endured him for three years, that's what i had to settle for, that that was as good as it got. and you came and proved it all wrong.
sometimes a person is so open to love others no matter their flaws, that's its hard to believe that they could have that same unconditional love back. and when it comes around, its hard to accept it. change is always hard no matter what, good or bad. i got into the flow of things, and i talked myself into the "well that's just the way things are" mentality that i felt like there would never be anything better... that the situation BECAME my something better. and then BAM one day, the real thing comes along, and i wasn't too sure how to act with it. i didn't understand how to allow the real thing to make me happy and to let go of the settled. its hard to make the transition. some people make it, and some don't.
I'm determined to make it, because no matter how many irking thoughts i have, i KNOW i deserve this. i deserve you. i deserve my something good, FINALLY. i deserve that true unconditional love. and i realize that you're the only person that could give me such a thing. so when i say i love you.. it just seems too simple because there's more to it then that. there's more feeling behind it. i love you seems too mundane of a phrase to use for you. its not profound enough. but in some odd way, it says it all. it wraps every waking emotion i feel about you into three simple words... that are too simple, but yet perfect all at the same time.
I don't know. i just love you. all of you. for who you are. always.
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