Torn

As life moves forward i can't help but sit in this at the moment. The sadness, the guilt. Though you say you made the decisions, my hands are just as bloody. Knowing everything I knew, still I pushed for something that I knew wouldn't be healthy for the both of us. If I claim to love you as much as I say I do, I should have loved you enough to just have left you alone. It wasn't about me. It's not about me. I just couldn't let go, and at this point in time I still don't want to let go. I know it's selfish, but you just mean so much. I think of him and you together, and I'd rather see that then him with someone else or you with someone else but me. Sounds strange I know. I see us all being friends and civil down the road, not sure how far off that would be. I had a dream of you and him having little Brooklynn and I was there with you guys in the delivery room. It was as if we were one big family. There was no pain, no animosity, just peace. I'm unsure how likely that would be a reality ~shrug~.

I'm torn. Yes I can see myself moving on, but I feel like that would be a long time from now. There would be no other choice. Meeting new people I can deal with, getting to know them fine. Hanging out and going to the movies sure, but when it comes to the whole being intimate thing, that's a no go. You were my first, and I want that to be cherished. I can't picture myself holding anyone else the way I held you, or someone holding me the way you do. I can't see me kissing anyone else's lips but yours. I can't see myself falling in love with anyone else the way I fell in love with you.

Apart of me just wanted to wake up this morning hoping everything that happened last night was just a bad dream, but then I see the tear stains on my pillow and realize no it was reality. When I was drifting to sleep and had tears stream down my face all I wanted to feel was your arms wrapped around me telling me it would be okay. I just wanted to feel and hear your heart beat against my ear.

Every time I hear you say I'll be better off without you, or just to go on and live my life I begin to cry. I don't want to live without you. I don't want to live my life without you some how in it. I need you in my life. I need you to be in my life. In some way shape or form. I need you, and I'm torn because I know you need me too.