PEACE

Reality

Not reaching out for sympathy just writing about my reality. I thought I was something that I'm obviously not, and that hit me late last night. I'm not as real and honest as I made myself out to be. I thought I was there when I really wasn't. I feel like I can't even speak anymore because I don't want to seem like I'm taking anything the wrong way. That's my reality. I'm not the person I thought I was. So I'm just going to leave it at that.

Now it's time to just stand up and change those things that need to be changed. Now that I know my faults, instead of speaking about it I'm going to do something about it. I'm done living a mediocre life. I'm looking at the woman in the mirror, and I'm gonna make that change. It's time for change.

Pain

Laid in the shower for a good 30 minutes just crying and screaming. I probably could have stayed in there forever as the water just hit my body. A part of me felt at peace in the water, another just wanted to fill the bath tub and just well you know. There's nowhere to go but up. Can't say I've hit rock bottom maybe I have but hopefully I've caught myself before I actually hit it only time will tell I guess. Sigh. SMH. I guess I should get dress.

Heavy Heart

I lay here staring up at the ceiling. Wishing this weight I feel would just disappear. So tired of the yelling and the anger. I was hurting this morning, because you were hurting. I know I can't take your pain upon myself, but I just wish there was some way to fix it all. I try not to think about it, but it's hard. You asked me why do I even care.

I care because I love you the way God loves me. That's my only answer. I love because God loves me. That's my best answer. There's no other way to explain why I do the things I do. I have my faults, yes. I'm not perfect, yes. But love is what I strive to give.

I can't help but love those whom I choose to.

My heart is heavy because I'm unaware of what else to do. I've shown myself approve, but still that doesn't feel like enough. So I'm throwing my hands up, and just allowing God to lead the way. My heart is heavy, and I've grown weary. So God please release my heart of this weight and hers as well, because I know her heart is just as heavy and she has grown just as weary. Help me to know and for her to know that there will be a brighter day. Even if we both don't reach it on the same day.

This is the Element of Freedom

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to bloom.

I'm blooming because I've grown tired of remaining in that bud. The beauty of me is seen through my uniqueness. Through my flaws, failures, and imperfections I am human. I can never achieve perfection, because perfection does not exist. I still have a long way to go in finding myself, after walking away from the mold everyone else has created for me. I have people along the way who are there to help guide and support me through this.

Never again will I allow someone to force their views upon me. I'm going to stand up for me. When it's all said and done, I'll be a me. I can't wait to see my own smile.

Can't help but think

That I was the one to blame. I'm sorry for making you pretend. I'm sorry that I couldn't just let go the first time and make things easy. I'm sorry that I was all over you when you came back. I'm sorry that he hates you. I'm sorry I can't change the past. I'm sorry that you and I didn't last. I'm sorry for not knowing you as well as he did. I'm sorry, but sorry doesn't even seem to cut it.