I just want to be happy

So what if it hurts me. So what if I break down. So what if this world just throws me off the edge my feet run out of ground. I gotta find my pace. I wanna hear my sound. Don't care about all the pain in front of me. I'm just trying to be happy.

The Fisherman and the Marlin

One dark afternoon in the Atlantic Ocean was a fisherman in his boat. He had come out a bad storm from the South Bay near the Florida keys. The fisherman was discourage because he was in search for a beautiful blue marlin. All his life he wanted to catch this beautiful fish, and show it off. He let out his line one last time, before making the long voyage back home. He sat and waited for a good while, and all of a sudden he felt something. He pulled and the line pulled back. The fisherman was now in a tug of war battle with something he couldn't see in the depths of the dark blue water. In the back of his mind, he couldn't help but think if he caught what he's been looking for. The fisherman was at the railing of the back end of the boat. He began to reel in the fish. Tugging and pulling the line trying to tire the fish out, the fish finally gave in.

The fisherman was able to pull in this beautiful blue marlin in. When he looked at it he could see that the fish was glowing. It was pretty blue sapphire color all around. The fisherman fell in love with this fish. When he picked it up the fish it began to fit him, and almost took off his head with his long nose. The fisherman couldn't understand the freedom this fish felt once before and was now fighting for. The fisherman couldn't understand, because he didn't know how it felt to be free. The fisherman fought so hard to be seen as something valuable to those around him back at home. He saw himself as the fish he caught. Struggling to survive when they both deserved to be free. The fisherman looked into the eyes of the beautiful sapphire blue marlin, and with all his love and might threw the fish back into the sea.

He then made his way back to his captain seat of his boat and wept. How this fisherman wished to be free like the blue marlin? As his eyes were closed he could feel the prescence of a bright light. He opened his eyes and in front of him saw a mystical figure. It spoke "Do you wish to be free like the blue marlin?" The fisherman was in shock of what was in front of him. This mystical being was a aquamarine color and ghost like in nature. Though hesitant the fisherman spoke, "Yes, I wish to be free like the blue marlin." In the back of his mind he began to think about all his responsibilities at home. But the fisherman was tired of the same old thing, from people he thought loved and cared for him. The mystical being turned was suddenly now floating on top of the water next to the boat. "Come" the ghost spoke. The fisherman jumped into the ocean, and immediately turned into the blue marlin he desired to be. Free to swim and roam. The marlin that he caught came alongside him, and looked into his deep black eyes. Telpathically the marlin spoke, "Now you are free, and hopefully if you are ever caught you will ignite a spark in your fisherman setting him free".

I am

I am strong because I am weak. I am beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a lover because I am a fighter. I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am wise because I have been foolish. & I laugh because I have known sadness.

I listen...

To Janet because that's the only way I can be near you. Some songs are hard but she's my only connection to you.

Lost it

I've completely lost it. Cried for a good hour because all of this damn anger I feel. All I can do is fucking cry. If this is rock bottom, well damn it i'm here. I'm just fucking angry.. I'm angry at you for moving on. And it pisses me the fuck off that I'm not able to be this way. People expect me to be mad at you and just move on because you did. I'm fucking angry because it seems as if no one fucking understands... and the one person who i feel would understand me is the one who has moved on. Now I know how you felt when he moved on. I feel that anger and it sucks ass that i feel you can't sympathize with me. I want to throw things, and just break something because that's how I feel. BROKEN, and I don't know where to start in placing these pieces back together. I'm tired of pretending that i'm happy all the damn time when i'm really sad, alone, and frustrated with life. I understand I need to move on with life... but this sucks major ass hole.