Changes

Rolling into the years of the young 20's I've realized that change is inevitable. It's going to come and go as it pleases, and honestly there's nothing you can do about it, except embrace it. I've always thought you could fight change but how do you fight something that's inevitable? You don't cause you'll end up living a miserable life if you do. I've been fighting change for the past... what 11 months... yeah long ass time to be fighting something that's inevitable. Long time of living a life that was miserable, not going to lie. Thought I could change things, but yeah CAN'T. Learned that the hard way. Though my heart still aches every now and again, I'm well better off then what I was last year December. WAY BETTER OFF.

Learning to love myself has been a process that will be on going. You can never learn to much about yourself or love yourself to much... I mean we as human beings are so complex, Only God truly gets us and I wonder how sometimes. Half the shit I do I'm like um WTF, really? But he understands it all. Okay now that I added my sprinkle of spiritualness into this I shall continue on.

I'm tapping back into things that have made Keena... Keena. Writing poetry, short stories, painting, listening to music, LIKE ACTUALLY LISTENING. Not using it as a background noise. Taking walks by myself. Learning to clear the influences of others and going with what I feel in my heart and gut. Doing things that make me happy, instead of wondering well if I do this how will it affect this. That's no way to live. Living life to the fullest doesn't necessarily mean you have to do the most outrageous things. Going on a walk on the beach is living life to the fullest. Sitting underneath a tree and reading a good book is living life to the fullest. You loving yourself and doing what makes you happy...NOT ANYONE ELSE HAPPY... but you happy is ultimately what living life to the fullest is.

I had a wake up call a week or two back. That I was doing things out of MY norm, because I wanted to be something I already was but using the wrong way to go about becoming the strong and confident woman. So many people(ie. friends and family) see that in me when I walk around (confidence), but it's something I'm learning to believe myself. I don't need to drink or go out dancing...because those things AREN'T me. That was something I made very clear to one of my best friend's when we first met, and she made it a point to set my ass straight before I went down a path that wasn't right for me. The sad reality I was trying to be someone I wasn't cut out to be. I'm ME. There are many things I've tried to do, in order to find myself but it's like I've been here the whole time. There was nothing to look for, because I was right here. Obviously some fine tuning and readjustments have been made BUT that didn't mean it had to change the heart of me. I thought it did, hence why I was looking for different outlets but yeah after having my ass set straight I'm back on the path I need to be on.

A few days ago... possibly Thursday the first friend I made at BU hit me up on Facebook. GOTTA LOVE FACEBOOK. She left due to financial issues and the passing of her mother. We began reminiscing about freshman year, and how my mom forced me to go talk to her because she was sitting alone at the cafe. We became friends instantly. Then summer time leading into sophmore year I believe she stayed for the summer at my house. YEAH can we say EXPLOSION. Because I was so sheltered and she was more free spirited we had many clashes. Something we laugh about now, because come to find out she came out the closet a few months ago. She was like who would have thought, both closeted because of man's religion. She asked a strinking question... "What happened to the old Keena?" I sat still for a minute and pondered. The old Keena. I smiled and typed, "She's dead and gone :)" Yes I was the religious, bible thumping, sheltered little girl growing up. Always trying to be the good girl and never doing wrong. Then I met Cacey and got thrown out my damn box, and was taken on a journey that shaped, pulled, and molded me into the Keena here before you. There's obviously a lot I still need to learn. But she was the beginning of my transformation, and I'll always be thankful for everything she put me through. AND YES I HAD MY SHARE OF PUTTING HER THROUGH THINGS TOO. But it was a journey that needed to take place in order for me to get here.

NOW onto changes. I haven't necessarily been the best of person to deal with these past two years with all the changes that had occured in my life and are still occuring as we speak. So I want to say thank you to everyone who has put up with me for these past 2 years because God knows my bipolar type mood swings were/are not the easiest to deal with. So I thank you and commend you for putting up with me :D

Changes I need to make

1. Avoiding someone like the plague is not cute... CHANGE
2. Always jumping to conclusions or snapping judgments is not cute... CHANGE
3. Being scared to make leaps into new beginnings is LAME... life is to short...CHANGE
4. Trying to be something I'm not in order to fit someone else's mold and way of life...CHANGE... some things are good for different people, but what's good for one may not be good for another.
5. COMMUNICATION... Enough said... CHANGE
6. Seeing eye to eye with someone I love and care about...and relaying that into my actions... BIG CHANGE... You said you were half way gone... and at this point in time you may be completely gone. But I guess that would have been on me. I'm sorry.

The things you learn in this life may not be things you need to execute with the people you learned them from, but lessons you need to execute with new people. And one day that person whom you've learned those lessons from will come back. So you can show them everything you've learned. CHANGES.