It's funny how these damn sociology classes can bring up things in the past that you've thought you've dealt with but really haven't. I guess this is the reason why I was in such a funk last night and today. The reason why this past October I was in a weird mood, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Last night after doing my reading on suicide for Death and Dying, Symone came back to memory.
In the moment of traumatic events you tend to push what hurts the most in a deep dark corner, forgetting almost everything that ever happened just not wanting to remember. Last night brought those vivid memories back to the surface. The story of Symone.
Symone was one of those people who was mysterious in a way but that's what would draw you to her. She was brought up in a real and I MEAN real religious environment but she wasn't one of those bible thumping type of girls. She was cool in her own way. We were friends but not super duper close. We were in Spanish 1 together, and she always clung to me wanting to be in my group when we did group work in class. We were inseparable in Spanish class.
It was the end of September and I hadn't seen Symone in a few days. Which was strange since she always enjoyed going to school. The weekend had passed and it was now Monday. I reached to give her a hug and she pushed away. She looked at me with this look of sadness on her face and shook her head no. Later on that day at lunch she pulled me aside and talked to me. Apparently her parents had found out something that she hadn't plan telling them until she was in college, but they snooped through her room and found a journal she kept. There she had a list of names of all the girls she thought were beautiful, and little fantasies written in the book. I tilted my head and just looked at her. Are you a lesbian I asked her, and she said yes. I felt uneasy because I was in the same boat too of thinking that I liked girls but I didn't tell her nor was I ready to in fear of what would happened.
The days she had missed school her mother and father (who are super RELIGIOUS) took her to seek counseling and shock therapy. They were so against her being a lesbian it was ridiculous. Every day after Symone seemed to have gotten worst and worst emotionally. She didn't smile as much, there was just so much there. We would talk during lunch and even after school when I had to walk home from Temecula Valley High School somedays. But soon after us talking minimized.
It was a thursday in October that she gave me a note after school. She requested that I opened it when I got home. I did what I was told. Right when I got home I got to my chores because my grandma was coming to visit from New York and then i had tons of homework I was trying to do before the weekend, so I'd have time to spend with my grandma. I totally forgot about the note I stuck in the front of my folder.
The next day when I went to school there was something different. I had Spanish first period, and when I walked into the classroom I saw some girls crying. I asked them what was going on. They told me Symone had took her life thursday night. My heart stopped, and then I remembered the note. I opened it up and read it. There were tears drop stains on the typed letter. She obviously had read it before giving it to me.
She basically thanked me for being that one person who was able to be there and accept her for who she was. For loving her as a friend. That how she wished there were more loving people like me in the world. That she'd miss me where ever she ended up.
After her passing in October I never really took the time to process her death, and her suicide. I really just tried to stuff it in a box and tried to be okay. I tried to feel like it didn't happen. There were nights where I cried but no one heard me. Times I would miss her smile, because though we weren't the best of friends she was still there in my heart.
What makes me sad is that I had forgotten her. I pushed it so far back that I didn't realize what I did. With everything going on in my life now I felt little by little something would reappear, but I didn't think it would be this. She's someone I consider as a stepping stone to where I am. She always told me to shine like the morning star, because you never know who will need that extra sparkle in their life. So this is for you Symone. Thank you.
