sTiLl PrOcEsSiNg

So it's been exactly one month since you've been gone, or at least close. It's been a hard month for me, not gonna even front on that part. I remember the days when I'd sit and wonder the what if's. Other days I'd just sit for a good solid hour screaming and crying. And other days where I just wanted to kill myself and not deal with all the hurt and pain i felt... and still feel. I mean it's gotten better over time, but there are still moments when i feel angry and sad.

I went to therapy on Friday, and I never thought I could feel such an array of emotions in the span of 45 minutes of talking. From happy to anger, sadness to disappointment... and so much more. Still processing things, trying to deal with all these changes that are so fucking frustrating to deal with. Not being able to talk to you whenever i want to. That's something i was so used to, and now that's all changed. We talked everyday for hours on end, and now it's dwindled to whenever you can fit me into your life. Which is in some sense understandable, you have him now. Almost feels like what the hell do you need me for. I guess that's where the anger comes into the play, because I don't know what I am to you anymore. Before i felt like i mattered to you, like i meant something to you. Now it's like i just exist, in the world of Cacey. I'm entitled to my feelings, and this is the only way i can let out my anger without hurting me, God knows i have issues with that.

I just don't know what role i play in your life at this point in time, when before i felt like i played such a big role. It's like taking the lead role from someone, and giving them a "one liner" and expecting them to be happy with it. You were something big in my life, and to have that taken away like "BAM" still hits me each and everyday because i know where you are and who you're with. I don't know what you're thinking, how you're feeling and everything. If you feel like you made the right decision, i mean it may be to early to tell. It just sucks to sit here and not know.

But what really kills me, is that i can talk to. I can access you, but he won't let me. You don't want to upset him, i understand that... but then i'm like what the fuck i never complained when he called you. I understood where you guys were, i sucked it up and took one for the team. it's just so unfair that he can't see it. That he doesn't want to see it. That i mean something to you too. That i had nothing with yall not being together, that was on him not me. I just saw an opportunity and went for it. Just feels that i'm just a secret, yet when we were together i knew of him. I knew when you guys were on the phone, but i didnt say anything because i had you. I didnt have to worry about him. I had enough confidence in us and our relationship, and i trusted you and you're judgment. SIGH. IDK. I can't continue to point out his flaws, cause that's not my place.

I understand he has his issues to deal with, we all do. This the year of the butterfly... the year of being more fearless and less fearful. Imma continue to take my time in processing my feelings, cause pushing them away and hoping they'll disappear isn't gonna fly with me. I'd rather be emotionally exhausted processing how i feel...doing it the right way, then being emotionally exhausted bottling and pushing these feelings. Might as well do it right the first time, then having to do it right after you've done it wrong for so long. It's a weird feeling, cause i've been bottling and pushing for practically all my life, because no one would hear me or listen. But i have a therapist who cares, and she wants me to get better. Hell i want to get better too. So I'm gonna take advantage of the opportunity in front of me. Still in the Process, but it will all get better in time. I'm trusting in that.