Vintage Romantic

Yeah that's me. The fairytale day dreaming vintage romantic. Believing in a love that could last for forever. There aren't many of us out there. Some fell off the wagon, due to various heartaches/heartbreaks and don't believe with their heart of a love that could last forever because of it. Then that leaves people like me to fight harder for that love. Showing to be different, and not the same as the others. Does it get overwhelming and hard sometimes, yes. But that thing that beats in my chest motivates me to keep fighting to keep pushing.

Love seems to be thrown around so much, that you never truly know if it's real or not. And then when it does end up being the very thing you want it seems to slip through your fingers. Now love to me is a lot of things. Patience, kindness, compassion and more. It's more then just a feeling, but something that reaches to your very soul. That's where you are.

Relapse

Sooooo I guess I can say I kind of... okay that's a lie... i did. I relapsed last night. After having half of a 4 loko annnnnnd a few glasses of wine I was shot. Like in the beginning I was all happy go lucky. Feeling good. Hell I wanted to dance my little ass off. Then I called her... just to say heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey and hung up in the process. she called back and was upset that I hung up on her. I'm not really sure why I was drinking in the first place.

Hm. Anyways. I proceeded to the bathroom to take a bath, try to cool down and just give her space. Then I began to panic. I saw the razor and just had at it to my leg. Yes I know inflicting pain on oneself isn't the best remedy. The last time I did this was my freshman year of college. Something deep down inside just erupted last night and I just had at it. Wait scratch that... the last time I cut was last year... but anyways.I didn't care. That was the only thing I was in control of. I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel anything... Ooooo but trust I felt it this morning. I placed my hand on my leg and looked down at it. BLOOD. All I could see was blood. Though it felt as if the pain had subsided, I knew in my heart I shouldn't have done that. There was other ways I could have released that pain I was feeling. After getting out the shower I kept calling her... time and time again, but no answer. I knew she was dealing with a lot, and me hanging up on her didn't help much. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

After knocking out for a good I'd say 4 hours I woke up abruptly out of my sleep. I listened to music and played bejeweled but the pain in my leg was great. I felt so stupid... stupid stupid I thought. What the fuck was I thinking? Was I even thinking? Side note: I've realized I really am an emotional drunk. So I put on some clothes and went to the beach after stopping off to get a cinnamon dolce latte. I was at the beach for a good hour and a half. I was so at peace.

When I came home I just sat and thought to myself. KEENA what the fuck were you thinking? Why did you do this again, especially when you promised her... you promised her you wouldn't do it again? After she told she loved you when you told her about the urges you've been having. I honestly couldn't tell you why i did it. Was it stupid, no doubt it was. Now I'm suffering over stupidity. Because I took things way to personal. Because I was so caught up in my damn emotions. What about her? What about how she was feeling? Or what she was going through when she fucking needed me. I wasn't there. I wasn't there for her. KARMA is a fucking bitch and it bit me in the ass. Now I know what she was feeling. I know now. And it sucks, that it took this to make me realize.

So now what? Well i can't keep on beating myself up about what I did. It happened... it's over. All I can do is heal... like literally. I need to find a different outlet. When the urges come, when that feeling arises deep within. I should have fought it. Or called someone.

Now I'll have to live with these scars... I think I may get a tattoo to over it one day... when it's all healed. FAITH HOPE LOVE... yup, that's the plan.

Hello Heart

I know of a lot of people going through heartache. Those who are hurting and in pain. I wrote this for those going through those things. Who feels this way... you ever wonder what you're heart might be really saying... after you've said hello to it after the aftermath of it all...

Hello heart

I see her standing in the corner
Bruised, blackened and some pieces missing

Hello heart

She turns and looks at me
The pain in her eyes is all I see

Hello heart

She walks towards me
And reaches for my hand

Hello heart

I touch her
She’s ice cold

Hello heart

I hear her scream at me and this is what she said...

You say hello to me
As if you really know me
I’m blackened and bruised
Cold and angry

I’ve warned you so many times
But you didn’t listen to me
You didn’t listen
Now look at me
I’m hurting
And you still just seem to not care.

Hello heart

Stop saying hello to me
Fix me
Help me
I want to love again

I don’t know where to start
I look at her with concern
Yet she continues on...

Let go of the one that keeps hurting me
Stop allowing for people to hurt me
I’m tired of hurting and getting hit
You didn’t protect me
Why didn’t you protect me?

I want to love again
I don’t want to be angry anymore
I don’t want to hurt

So fix me
Open me up
Pour out the pain
Clean me up
Make me whole

Because I when it's all said and done
Love is all I know

I remember...

I remember the days when I would go to the restroom, and would never look in the mirror because of how ugly I thought I was.

I remember when I would cut myself on my leg because of all the pain I felt, from my dad not being there, from feeling as if i wasn't good enough for anyone, from feeling as if I'll never be loved, from feeling like an outcast, from feeling as if life just didn't seem to matter.

I remember when I would think about taking my own life. I had a long list implanted in the back of my mind.

I remember when my mom would take adonia and I to work at the nursing home because it was only her to care for us.

I remember the days we would eat the same thing for dinner 5 nights in a row, and when the neighbors would bring us food because we were just that down in the gutter.

I remember when my mom worked double shifts back to back just to make ends meet.

I remember when I first kissed him in the 2nd grade, and how my world spun at the thought of seeing him everyday at school.

I remember that day when Angel took my mom's car and we all went on this drive. Damn near died, because she had to make a sharp turn and the car almost flipped over.

I remember how my mom, sister, and I were so close until the bastard came.

I remember when I got my driver's license... I thought I was so bomb.

I remember when I got Kanoe... I had just got home from work and was knocked out on the couch, and my mom came in. She told me to go outside, and there she was. BAM.

I remember when I told Nicole I liked girls... and the condemnation she threw at me.

I remember telling Amber... the first girl I've ever told... I liked her and the awkwardness that came from it.

I remember taking 6 shots of tequila and puking up all over the place.

I remember feeling alone and wishing I had a boyfriend, trying to deny my feelings for women all together because I was so ashamed of who i was.

I remember trying to be perfect for everyone else. Trying to please everyone else, and not feeling fulfilled within myself.

I remember when I was head over heels over Robert Marshall in the 3rd grade... Hehehe I gave him my Sega Gensis game... it was the Lion KIng.

I remember the first girl I've ever kissed, and that's how I some how knew.

I remember going to the emergency room with Adonia a countless number of times because she was always getting hurt.

I remember the nights hearing my mother crying.

I remember teaching adonia how to ride a bike. LOL. I think i pushed her over on purpose one time HAHA.

I remember ripping this lace thing off the pink couch when we were in Oceanside and blaming it on Adonia... and she got a butt whooping.

I remember those lonely nights at the dorm freshman year when Bekah was gone. Sleeping in a big dark room all alone.

I remember when Robert, my mom's ex boyfriend, took Adonia, my foster brothers and sister, and I on a hike in Escondido at Dixon Lake.


I remember when Ashlee, Bri Bri, Bekah, and I had a "family" meeting. Sharing the worst things we've ever done and the look we all gave Ashlee when she said the worst thing she did was talk to some random people from the chat rooms on the phone XD

I remember opening all my college acceptance letters.

I remember the freedom I felt when i stopped fighting against my attraction for women, and evolving into me and who God has created me to be.

I remember telling you I love you.

I remember our PCH rides late at night, and all of our adventures.


There's so much more that I remember, but i think the one thing I'll never forget and I mean this with everything I have is falling in love with you.

They say...

They say that love comes and goes.
I say they don't understand what they don't. What I feel starts deep inside a planted seed that springs into life.

They say marriage should only be between a man and a woman.
I say if two people love each other, whether it be the traditional couple or people of the same-sex, they should be able to prove their love to one another and get married.

They say that in order to get to heaven you have to follow all these rules from the bible.
I say if you love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and love your neighbor as yourself, you should be fine.

They say that gay people are an abomination.
I say all people are beautiful no matter who they are and where they come from.

They say your inner authentic self is dangerous.
I say your authentic self is someone that is beautiful once it's found.

They say that people on welfare are no good, because they don't want to work.
I say some people don't have a choice.

You say you don't deserve my love.
I say love is a gift, not something you should have to work for.

Gonna listen this time around...

So I've been told that I don't listen... why... because I think I know everything...which was true, until I began my transition of turning a new leaf.

And I quote, "As selfish as it sounds I'm just really focused and centered on myself right now. But you need to focus like that too..." Soooooo instead of doing what I usually did in the past of "ignoring" I'm going to listen, because she's right.

She's been through so much in the past 3 years, and I know I need to respect the fact of her needing space. Of her needing to focus and be centered on herself before she can focus on anyone else. As much as I love her and care for her I know there's a time and place for everything. Right now isn't the time for us to be focused on each other but on ourselves, because neither of us knows what the future holds. If I keep on focusing on her, and things don't go the way I have it planned in my mind where would that leave me... heartbroken... when that all could have been avoided. I guess it would hurt less this time around by doing what needs to be done then by what doesn't need to be done.

My feelings I'll still hold in a special place for when and if the time comes of us being together. But until then I'm just going to try and focus on Keena which won't be easy, but I have to make some kind of attempt.