Relapse

Sooooo I guess I can say I kind of... okay that's a lie... i did. I relapsed last night. After having half of a 4 loko annnnnnd a few glasses of wine I was shot. Like in the beginning I was all happy go lucky. Feeling good. Hell I wanted to dance my little ass off. Then I called her... just to say heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey and hung up in the process. she called back and was upset that I hung up on her. I'm not really sure why I was drinking in the first place.

Hm. Anyways. I proceeded to the bathroom to take a bath, try to cool down and just give her space. Then I began to panic. I saw the razor and just had at it to my leg. Yes I know inflicting pain on oneself isn't the best remedy. The last time I did this was my freshman year of college. Something deep down inside just erupted last night and I just had at it. Wait scratch that... the last time I cut was last year... but anyways.I didn't care. That was the only thing I was in control of. I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel anything... Ooooo but trust I felt it this morning. I placed my hand on my leg and looked down at it. BLOOD. All I could see was blood. Though it felt as if the pain had subsided, I knew in my heart I shouldn't have done that. There was other ways I could have released that pain I was feeling. After getting out the shower I kept calling her... time and time again, but no answer. I knew she was dealing with a lot, and me hanging up on her didn't help much. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

After knocking out for a good I'd say 4 hours I woke up abruptly out of my sleep. I listened to music and played bejeweled but the pain in my leg was great. I felt so stupid... stupid stupid I thought. What the fuck was I thinking? Was I even thinking? Side note: I've realized I really am an emotional drunk. So I put on some clothes and went to the beach after stopping off to get a cinnamon dolce latte. I was at the beach for a good hour and a half. I was so at peace.

When I came home I just sat and thought to myself. KEENA what the fuck were you thinking? Why did you do this again, especially when you promised her... you promised her you wouldn't do it again? After she told she loved you when you told her about the urges you've been having. I honestly couldn't tell you why i did it. Was it stupid, no doubt it was. Now I'm suffering over stupidity. Because I took things way to personal. Because I was so caught up in my damn emotions. What about her? What about how she was feeling? Or what she was going through when she fucking needed me. I wasn't there. I wasn't there for her. KARMA is a fucking bitch and it bit me in the ass. Now I know what she was feeling. I know now. And it sucks, that it took this to make me realize.

So now what? Well i can't keep on beating myself up about what I did. It happened... it's over. All I can do is heal... like literally. I need to find a different outlet. When the urges come, when that feeling arises deep within. I should have fought it. Or called someone.

Now I'll have to live with these scars... I think I may get a tattoo to over it one day... when it's all healed. FAITH HOPE LOVE... yup, that's the plan.