Tired

At this moment that's all I feel. Just tired. I know there are people out there that have it way worst then me. I understand that, but this is me as of now and I have a right to feel the way I'm feeling. I can't go on looking at things through rose colored glasses. No I don't know what the future holds though I wish I did. I can't continue thinking what if I would have opened up more, what if I would have been more honest, but what's done is done and I can't change anything.

I feel like I'm being pushed away. I don't like this feeling. You've always spoke so high of how much of an affectionate type of person you are. Yet I feel like I'm always chasing you for a hug. I'm sorry if I love hugs and just wanting to feel loved even if we are friends. I feel like you want me to know you love me, which I do know that but hugs would be nice. I need some physical connection there. I love hugs. It may be something little to one person but can mean the world to another. I'm not trying to corner anyone anywhere or have any underlying meaning. Those are just my feelings.

I don't feel like I'll ever be OKAY... I just need to cope with everything that's going on in my life one way or another. I don't want to push things away but it's like I can't take them all on at once either. I'm just tired, and I'm not sure what to do but to try and just push through but even that seems impossible. I'm in love with a person who isn't in love with me, and I just need to accept that. I know it wasn't easy for her to admit that to me, and sometimes I seem to forget that. It's hard.

What makes it so hard is that you were there through my coming out process, which is still a process and I won't allow you to tell me anything different. I don't want to lose that part of you in my life. That person I could lean or cry to about things. It hurts that there will be no me and you romantically, and that hurts me. I can't keep thinking about it. That when you finally heal from him your attention will be fully devoted to someone else who isn't me. There won't be another person tugging on your heart strings. I won't get that full attention, and that thought of me being the only person you ever want to be with. That's what makes me angry. That you needed time, but will end up being finding someone else, is what makes me sad, and that's what I'm trying to get a hold of and let go. I have days where i'm okay and I'm like I'd be okay if you were off with someone else and I was with someone new too. If it wasn't me that you weren't with. Then there are days like these when I don't really even talk to you, and I don't know if it's a test for me to call you or something. I don't know.

Tears are streaming down my face... It could be a mix of everything that's going on in my life right now. But you're a big part of me, though your love for me has change I don't want you to ever forget about me. I don't ever want to be forgotten or just a dream. I want to live on in your memories.