I'm not a good friend

These words I never thought I'd hear, but heard. Those weren't the exact words but my own. I'm not a good friend. It hurts. It sucks. But what can I do but try and change. You don't believe me because all I do is seem to lie. I can't get around that... I did what I did and I'm sorry. You say only time will tell, but I feel maybe time is beginning to run out. You're leaving in some months, and I feel all I'll be is a distant memory. But what does it matter if I allow you to have no purpose in my life...If I don't give you purpose in my life. I want to open up to you... I want my actions to follow my words when I call you my best friend. I closed up and I don't know how to open back up. Do I want to be labeled as not a good friend or actually work towards being that good friend? I honestly don't know because there's no way of starting over. Being a bad friend will always be held against me. Lying. You can never trust a liar the way you trusted them the first time...so i ask myself what's the point of even trying. But I allowed that to fall upon me... I made this happened. It's my fault. It's me. It's me. I just don't know anymore.