These questions were running through my mind this morning, waking up from a dream that I vaguely remember. All I know is that I was dancing to a song, Fall by Brandy. I was dancing by myself on stage, and then I woke up with the questions of love running through my head. I remember having a dream like this once before, dancing to this exact same song. But in that dream I wasn't dancing alone.
So what is love... I'm going to bust out a bible verse for this portion 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and a piece of 8...
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
I think these were like the first bible verses I memorized. Those bible verses state what love is, and I trust and believe that this verse is the foundation of love.But I feel there's more to love then just that.
What it doesn't say in those verses, but sort of eludes to,is that love takes self-sacrifice. Sacrificing ones pride especially. Taking slaps to the face, for that person when you don't deserve it. When they're acting a fool, you stand by their side and continue to love them, because love is patient.
Love makes you do some crazy things, I'm a witness to that. Like sleeping on the floor, because you had enough love for yourself to not sleep in a bed with that person you loved and their ex. So many times I could have left her in AZ, where I felt I wasn't needed or wanted. So many times I could have cursed her out, but chose not to. I could have retaliated but didn't. I could have flipped the script and just made her feel like a bitch, but didn't cause I knew she already felt that way. I loved her enough, to not leave her in AZ, as much as she probably would have liked me to. I loved her enough to not go off on her and curse her out. I loved her enough to not have said things that could have cut her, in the deepest way. I loved her enough to put up with what she threw at me, regardless if it was unintentional. It's something I've forgiven her for, and something I've let go of, but something I'll never forget because it shows how much love I am capable of having for a person. That regardless of the circumstances I loved, and I loved with all I had, I feel. So was I in love? Or did I just love her so hard that it felt like I was in love with her. I don't know.
Mariah Carey said in her song Butterfly that... When you love someone so deeply they become your life. It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside. Blindly imagined I could keep you under glass. Now I understand to hold you I must open up my hands and watch you rise.
Well 2 weeks ago was when I finally realized the truth behind those words. I was waiting for something, that I knew would never be. Her heart didn't beat my name,she even said that in a letter after the AZ incident/blow-up/trip of realization. I felt that if I kept on giving, kept on being there, that beat would change,but I was competing against a deeper love she had for someone else, and 2 weeks ago I realized that I couldn't win. I couldn't win because it was something that wasn't meant to be. I had to let go, because I would have continued to give myself away to a person who's heart wasn't for me. As much as it hurt me, I knew that if i truly loved her, if i truly cared for her and her well being, I had to let go. It would be a good thing for me too . I had to build up enough love for the both us, to see the brighter future ahead for her and I. I couldn't stand around holding on to these feelings. Once I lose those feelings of wanting to be with her as in a relationship/ where marriage could be on the horizon, I think a friendship down the road will come, God willing.
I will always have love for her, and care about her. That's just my nature. I'm called to love and to be loved, with just as much love I put out there. Now I'm just going to be waiting on God, to bring the right man into my life. Who will love me for me, and just be there no matter what. Someone who will just listen, but I have a feeling that may take awhile. Keeping up my end of a promise I made to God, her, and myself that she'll be my first and last girlfriend. I know the right man is out there for me. God made him especially for me. I just need to have faith, be patient, and just wait. Hope still Lives :)
A wise person once told me to not be like her but to be myself. I was kind of taken back when she said that, but now that I think about it... I was trying to be like her.
I was always the outcast. Doing things so differently. Thinking differently. Never was I on the same page as another person. Living by the ways of human ideologies and philosophy. I wasn't afraid to be different, standing strong in what I trusted and believed. But I lost all that for a little while, because I was trying to be something that I had no business being. I was trying the bad ass act, one who just went through life living by no rules. Doing what I wanted, when I wanted to, because I could. Now that I think about it, that's not me. I personally can't live like that, because I know the truth and I know the hope that still lives.
People say Christians, are just people who live religiously. Who read their bibles, pray, and talk to people about Jesus. Yes that's all good and true, but there's more to it then that. It's a relationship with the Creator of the universe, and His Son who was sent to die so that we may be saved by our faith.
Being a Christian is more then a title, it's a lifestyle. A lot of people try to live it as a title. I admit, I was one of those people. Who just took it as a title, and nothing more. Went to church, read a few scriptures here and there; and called it a day. But I know that there's more to being a Christian then it's name.You can't be a punk when carrying this title. You have to know that you'll get attacked by so many different people, and the enemy. So many people will oppose your views, because it's something they aren't used to hearing. The enemy wants to destroy me and those who have a heart after God's truth. He doesn't want to see the righteous prevail, he want's to see them fall. I trust and believe that. After watching the Dark Knight, with the church fam bam tonight, it all came into perspective. Deep stuff in that film, that I didn't realize watching the first time.
Anyways...This is a lifestyle I plan on living from here on out. I don't care what people think about me, I could care less. In the end I'm not trying to please them or anyone else. I'm trying to please God, cause in the end when it's all said and done I'm going to be the one to face Him. Giving Him an account on what I did with my faith in His Son.
Grant it, I will make mistakes. I'm not perfect, and perfection is something I'm not striving for. Righteousness is what I'm looking towards. Pleasing God in every aspect of my life. When I make a mistake, I will ask for forgiveness, get up, and make better choices. I won't allow myself to sit in self-pity. I plan on enduring the pain that I will face, and to persevere through the struggles and issues that I have.
God isn't a band-aid to my issues, but a helper to fix them. I just need to have faith, and strive to be the best I can be in Him. So my answer is yes, I am willing to be an outcast in order to ensure that the symbol of hope still lives. That's what people need now in this world. We need HOPE.
I wasn't planning on blogging today. I was going to wait until thursday, but this was just to amazing to not talk about.
I woke up to a text message, sent from my friend Kelsey. This girl lives all the way in Minnesota. Anyways it read: Babygirl just want u to know that I'm thinking about you! I love you and am so proud of how far you've come! Listen to our song: You Will Win by Kelly Rowland!!
Now I gave this song to Kelsey, when she was going through a rough time in her life. I really didn't know it was a rough time. I just felt the need to encourage her, and what better way then through a song. Now it's our song. A song that reminds her of our friendship and the support we have for one another.
This has to be a message from God, because I had a bad dream last night. A dream, words can not describe. But in this morning He told me through Kelsey that, " You will win".
Through all the pain and hurt you feel right now, you will win. Just Have Faith.
[Verse 1:] You've Been Going through a Situation Your Back's Against the Wall You've Been Feeling as If You Can't Make it You've given it your All But, I know what you're going through Cuz' I've Been there Myself, too So Don't You give in because...
[Chorus:] (You Will Win) You're Feeling Like You Wanna throw in the towel (You Will Win) You sure don't Know it but it's gonna Work Out... (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on (You Will Win) All this time you thought that you were behind (You Will Win) But keep on goin' cuz it's your time to shine (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on
[Verse 2:] You've tried everything you know to do. Problems just got worst. Even Family couldn't help you So you prayed and went to Church Heard a voice speak into your soul Saying “I am here with you, I am that I am, and YOU WILL WIN”
[Chorus:] (You Will Win) You're Feeling Like You Wanna throw in the towel (You Will Win) You sure don't Know it but it's gonna Work Out... (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on (You Will Win) All this time you thought that you were behind (You Will Win) But keep on goin' cuz it's your time to shine (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on[Bridge:] You Made it through your yesterday I told you that you would (You didn't think that you could) And it should be plain to see that you've got everything it takes (Life is about what you make it) This Moment is Yours, see what God has in store There's so much to look for So, give it everything you got, you can do it So gon' and give it up to God, He can use it and don't you give in, YOU WILL WIN... [Chorus:] (You Will Win) You're Feeling Like You Wanna throw in the towel (You Will Win) You sure don't Know it but it's gonna Work Out... (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on (You Will Win) All this time you thought that you were behind (You Will Win) But keep on goin' cuz it's your time to shine (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on
One of my all time favorite movies. There is so much truth jammed into this film. But one thing that stuck out to me was when Helen's mother and Madea spoke about forgiveness.
Though Helen was put through so much hell and pain, in the end she forgave her husband. She was dragged out her house, all dignity and self-respect lost. She loved a man who did her wrong. Though she had her few moments of revenge, she was quickly reminded that she needed to forgive her husband not for him but for herself.
The key to forgiveness is humility. When pride gets in the way, forgiveness is but a long distance away. Not saying it can't be reached, but everyday it takes work. Everyday is a new day to forgive. You can't keep having a pity party for yourself. Ooo he did me wrong, he did this and he did that. I was betrayed, I was lied to and cheated on. I can't forgive him or her. I can't forgive all the stuff he or she put me through.
Revenge only feels good for a little while. Though I've thought long and hard about revenging so many who've hurt me in the past, in the end I knew it wouldn't be worth it. What's the point of stooping down to the level of those who hurt you. There isn't any point. You just look as foolish and dumb as they do. So you might as well man up, and just forgive them. It won't be easy, that's a given. We're human. When our feelings get hurt , we want that person to hurt just as much as we did. We want them to feel the pain that we felt 10 times more, and cry those tears we cried 100 times harder. But by forgiving them, we show ourselves approved as the bigger person. The person who doesn't allow things to tear them down, because champions never accept defeat. Champions turn that defeat into a win, by showing a heart of forgiveness. If you had the ability to revenge someone who's done you wrong would you? For me, I'd say no. Because honestly in the end God can deal with that person a whole lot better then I can. In the end I want to say that I forgive you. Everyday I forgive you and myself. In the end I know it's going to be okay. Just Have Faith.
Is jumping out on faith, praying that God will be there to catch you. For the longest you think,that you can handle it all. That you have it all together. When in actuality you're digging yourself an even deeper hole, by holding on. I held on to something; to some,it may feel like a short period of time. When in actuality it may have been to long. Through all the ups and downs, it's like I should have let go a long time ago, but something kept me holding on. But everything happens for a reason. Now that I've finally made the choice to let go, I know it's going to get better. I jumped out on faith, and I know God is there to catch me. He's been waiting all this time,for me to just have faith in Him that everything will be okay when it's all said and done. My relationship with God is so much more important, then the hurt I put myself through these past few months. Grant it, there were a lot of good times but I feel those bad times were the ones that broke me in the end. It took me losing two of my closest friends to realize the seriousness of what I was doing. I have a blanket of problems, like so many other people. I had to let go in order to deal with them, and make me into a better person.
Some may think it's dumb, but who cares what people think. I'm looking out for me. I'm standing up for me. I feel like a lot more people should do the same, but you're going to do what you're going to do. I know it's hard to let go, but sometimes it may be what's best for you in the long run. Hurt and pain won't last forever. Just keep swimming like Dory says, and everything in the end will be alright. Just Have Faith.
