These questions were running through my mind this morning, waking up from a dream that I vaguely remember. All I know is that I was dancing to a song, Fall by Brandy. I was dancing by myself on stage, and then I woke up with the questions of love running through my head. I remember having a dream like this once before, dancing to this exact same song. But in that dream I wasn't dancing alone.
So what is love... I'm going to bust out a bible verse for this portion 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and a piece of 8...
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
I think these were like the first bible verses I memorized. Those bible verses state what love is, and I trust and believe that this verse is the foundation of love.But I feel there's more to love then just that.
What it doesn't say in those verses, but sort of eludes to,is that love takes self-sacrifice. Sacrificing ones pride especially. Taking slaps to the face, for that person when you don't deserve it. When they're acting a fool, you stand by their side and continue to love them, because love is patient.
Love makes you do some crazy things, I'm a witness to that. Like sleeping on the floor, because you had enough love for yourself to not sleep in a bed with that person you loved and their ex. So many times I could have left her in AZ, where I felt I wasn't needed or wanted. So many times I could have cursed her out, but chose not to. I could have retaliated but didn't. I could have flipped the script and just made her feel like a bitch, but didn't cause I knew she already felt that way. I loved her enough, to not leave her in AZ, as much as she probably would have liked me to. I loved her enough to not go off on her and curse her out. I loved her enough to not have said things that could have cut her, in the deepest way. I loved her enough to put up with what she threw at me, regardless if it was unintentional. It's something I've forgiven her for, and something I've let go of, but something I'll never forget because it shows how much love I am capable of having for a person. That regardless of the circumstances I loved, and I loved with all I had, I feel. So was I in love? Or did I just love her so hard that it felt like I was in love with her. I don't know.
Mariah Carey said in her song Butterfly that... When you love someone so deeply they become your life. It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside. Blindly imagined I could keep you under glass. Now I understand to hold you I must open up my hands and watch you rise.
Well 2 weeks ago was when I finally realized the truth behind those words. I was waiting for something, that I knew would never be. Her heart didn't beat my name,she even said that in a letter after the AZ incident/blow-up/trip of realization. I felt that if I kept on giving, kept on being there, that beat would change,but I was competing against a deeper love she had for someone else, and 2 weeks ago I realized that I couldn't win. I couldn't win because it was something that wasn't meant to be. I had to let go, because I would have continued to give myself away to a person who's heart wasn't for me. As much as it hurt me, I knew that if i truly loved her, if i truly cared for her and her well being, I had to let go. It would be a good thing for me too . I had to build up enough love for the both us, to see the brighter future ahead for her and I. I couldn't stand around holding on to these feelings. Once I lose those feelings of wanting to be with her as in a relationship/ where marriage could be on the horizon, I think a friendship down the road will come, God willing.
I will always have love for her, and care about her. That's just my nature. I'm called to love and to be loved, with just as much love I put out there. Now I'm just going to be waiting on God, to bring the right man into my life. Who will love me for me, and just be there no matter what. Someone who will just listen, but I have a feeling that may take awhile. Keeping up my end of a promise I made to God, her, and myself that she'll be my first and last girlfriend. I know the right man is out there for me. God made him especially for me. I just need to have faith, be patient, and just wait. Hope still Lives :)
No comments:
Post a Comment