Life Is Worth Living...

Life is worth living. Don't let anyone or any situation allow you to think differently.

I thought of suicide many times within the past 48 hours. I know, you're probably wondering WTF. Me out of all people. Well you know, sometimes things get the best of you. Where you feel like being gone would be the easiest thing for you.

Then I had a reality check Monday at work. Being around my little kids. Hearing them call my name, saying they love me, wanting to give me hugs. That's worth living for.

Coming home to my sister acting crazy stupid making me laugh, and my dog going bonkers when he sees me rolling up from work and my mom trying to sing knowing she can't. That's worth living for.

Even today, hanging out with the kids at the Boys and Girls Club. Playing Heaven and Earth out on the play ground. Running around, getting my work out on and interacting with them in a positive way. Seeing Ms. Tanya, and being embraced by her. That's worth living for.

Thinking about Melissa having her first baby in October, and I get to be Aunti Keena to little Colton Rocky Johnson. That's worth living for.

Last night, I just stared at a bottle of Vicodin and a bottle of Absolut Vodka and just wondered what if i took my life. By overdosing... or drinking my life a way like literally. Because of all the hurt and pain I felt/still feel inside.

Then I remembered little Zaria. And what her mother would give to have her baby back in her arms again. Baby girl, didn't have a chance to think the thoughts I've been thinking within the past 48 hours. She was taken at such a young age, and I knew it would be wrong to take my life for granted.

Then I thought of all the harm versus good I would be doing to the lives I've touched... knowingly and unknowingly. Leaving them behind, cause I felt I couldn't move past the hurt and pain in my life. How much hurt and pain I'd be channeling into their lives, because of my selfishness of not wanting to live.

In this life only the strong survive, and I plan on surviving until the Lord says my time here on Earth is up.

I still have more lives to touch, I just have to stay positive, and focus on the journey ahead. What I'm going through now will only grow me into a stronger, and well defined person. I know the road ahead will be tough, but I have a circle of people who love and care about me. I'll make it through. All I have to do is have faith that everything will be okay.

Life is worth living. Don't let anyone or any situation allow you to think differently.

yOu CaN't FoRcE sOmEtHiNg To FaDe... In TiMe ThInGs FaDe On iTs OwN

In order for blue jeans to fade, they must be worn and washed...time in and time out. Go through sun exposure and dirt.

I guess the same goes with pain. I won't hide this pain. I plan on wearing it until it wears off. I'll wash the pain with positive reinforcements, so the next time it's worn some of the pain will have faded with it. My pain is like a pair of blue jeans.

It feels like you don't know how much i love you, how much i care about, and how much i'm hurting. Maybe you do, i could just be assuming... i mean that is something i do, but it's all one can do when they don't know.

I walked into your room today and just stood there for a few minutes. Looked around and reminisced on the memories we made together in that room. My eyes filled with tears as i looked at my side of the bed, because i knew that side would soon be occupied by someone who isn't me. I looked at the floor to still see the pink paint, remembering when we had our paint war and the masterpiece of handprints we made. I'll never forget that day. I could honestly say that was one of the best dates we ever had. Getting creative together :D

Then i looked in your nightstand draw to see the key i gave you. A part of me wanted to take it, but it belonged there. It symbolizes something more then what i said to you that day. I really don't remember what i said, but it symbolizes the key to my heart.

Then i went to therapy, after taking what belonged to me and leaving you 2 MJ tribute magazines, sunblock, and the lighter you can't live without lol. Sitting in the waiting room i felt my emotions rise. I really didn't think i was going to cry in therapy this morning, but when i got in the door i felt safe. That session i just talked about you, how i felt and what you meant/mean to me. Then i began to see, you mean everything to me. Just laying everything out to her, with tears streaming down my face, i felt free to express everything. Something i can't do with you, because it's about you.

You were my safe haven, i confided in you like no one else. I went to you for everything, and when i needed you most i couldn't come to you, because it was all about you. How you make me feel, how just being around you gave me peace. Being around you made me feel like, that's where i was suppose to be. There are days when i just want to be with you. Like we don't have to even talk, being in your prescene is enough. But now I can't be. I guess i'm finally feeling, the feeling of being left behind. I mean everyone gets left behind at some point in their life, but with you i didnt think it would come this soon. Yes i know we're still friends. Yes i know you're not dead. But that closeness/intimacy we shared is what i miss between us. Just being around you. SIGH. I miss being your baby girl.

I keep trying to see it all. That you had to make a choice. There were 2 roads, and you chose one.
But then i sit and wonder, if you had the same exact opportunities here in California. A job, a place, and a car... would you have stayed. That's an answer i may never know.

Then i keep wondering, do you think about me as much as i think about you. I have it on my desktop just for kicks.

I just have these thoughts, of what would happen if you tried to come back to me because things spiral downward, what would i do? Where would i be in that point in time? But some things are left to be unknown until certain situations take place.

I miss you. I haven't missed anyone this much since Angel, and you know the story behind her. She was my rock, my fortress, my shield from all that was bad. She kept me safe. She held me tight when i was scared. And when i came back to find out she was gone, i was devastated. I was an absolute mess. Losing you, is like losing her all over again. It's a pain/hurt i never thought i could feel again. But i'm feeling it.

All i know is that i love you. I don't know what to do, where to go, and who to turn to. I'm still in love with you, and i know it's a thing you can't just turn off. It's gonna take time to fade, like a favorite pair of blue jeans. It seems time is all i have.

To every beginning... there is an end

When i first heard that, I found it encouraging. When anything and everything goes wrong, there is an end to it. Nothing lasts forever. So everything does indeed have an end.

You're birth was a beginning, but your death is an end.
The pain you face in life, there was a beginning to it, but there is an end to it as well.

You just have to endure until the end. Endurance is the key to this thing called life. You wouldn't be able survive without endurance and perseverance.

weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning ~Psalm 30:5

tHoUgHtS fRoM a FrIeNd WhOm I aDmIrE... lOvE yOu ChRiStInA

Why is it that the very things we desire to do we don't do, and that which we don't want to do we do? Why is God so gracious to us even though we are constantly sinning against Him? Why does He bless us with so much despite how much we slander and curse Him. How is it that we are loved unconditionally yet we love conditionally? Why do we repent only to sin again?
All of these questions equate to one answer: God is love, just righteous, perfect, holy, forgiving, patience, and unrelentless. He loves us despite everything we do or have ever done simply because He is God, and He is good. We can never understand why He chose, and chooses, to love us, but all I can say is I am grateful He does. I can honestly say that I have never treated God the way He deserves to be treated; He deserves so much more than I can ever give to Him. I do not understand why things happen in life, but all I know is God is with me through it all and that Jer 29:11-13 is nothing short of the truth. Even when I fail and sin completely against Him His arms remain open and ready to accept, love, and forgive me.
If someone were to have told me all of the sins that I would commit before the age of 20 I would be in complete disbelief, denying everything they said. It's amazing how we want to deny how sinful we truly are. If everyone were to completely, and whole-heartedly analyize their heart and life they would see how truly disguisting their hearts are, but many chose not to because they are ashamed of it and would rather live denying it all rather than repenting. On some level I cannot say that I blame them, since I know the pain, hurt, sorrow, and pure agony that comes with having to acknowledge and deal with it, yet it's amazing how releaving it is to acknowledge and repent from your sin. By nature no one wants to do so which makes the process even more painful since before the agony of cleansing the heart may begin, humility must occur, which can be the most painful step of them all. I guess a good comparison that can relate to this is when as a child I would fall on asphalt a lot while playing games and as a result I would skid up my knees pretty badly, so much so that my whole knee would be filled with asphalt, rock, and dirt. I remember the most painful part was when the nurse would have to pour hydrogen peroxide on it, which stung like no other, than proceed to "brushing" the stuff out of my knee. Oh how I agonized over the process of this being done, but once the whole process was better I too felt better than I had before it was cleansed out. Than of course comes the part where over the next couple of days, while it's healing that you bump it on everything and it reminds you of how painful it really is. Yet as the days go on it heals more and more, and every day it hurts less and less. Than the day finally comes where it doesn't hurt anymore and all that's left is a scar. Oh how I pray for the day when what I am going through is simply a scar, something by which I can tell others of only to glorify Christ. May my life never glorify myself, only Christ. I pray your heart will desire the same thing. Never give up, press on ward, and keep your eyes on Christ, He will give you the strength you need in order to do so.

i WaNt To PuLl ThE tRiGgEr... BuT i CaNt

Sigh. My heart is filled with so many mixed emotions. My heart is like a loaded gun, and I just want to pull the trigger to release everything inside. It's a dangerous thought, but each day my finger pulls a little tighter on it. From losing a little girl whom I admired so much to losing a friend (who's going off to fulfill something she's been waiting for for years on end). From fighting against the parentals and their way of living to the sudden death of Michael Jackson. So much pain can't be held by one person. Yet it's crazy on how I hold all this stuff in.

I know I'll see Zaria in heaven one day, but to this day it still hurts that she's gone. She was only 11, about to go into middle school and now she's gone. I know the Lord has her close to Him, and some day that's where I want to be. Standing right there with Zaria and hugging her for forever. I'll see you soon baby girl. I love you.

Though I know you leaving won't be the end of our friendship, it's more of an end of what we had. As much as I don't want to lose that closeness/intimacy, I know it's something that will happen. It's something that has to happen almost. You probably will argue it differently, but me being the voice of logic between the two of us sees it to be that way. I'll always have you to come to when I'm having issues with the parentals. I'll always have you to talk to about life, and what's going on in the world of Keena and vice versa. I just want you to be happy. I love you so much, and only God knows how deep that love runs for you Cacey Chavonne. You mean so much to me as a friend. You know so much about me, alot more then people who've known me longer then you have. It's that certain bond we have I guess. Just know that I love you, no matter what you do or where you go. Most importantly know that God has you... just hold on to Him. As hard as it may be sometimes, just try and He'll do the rest.

It's so hard trying to be independent, when the parentals try to come at you with all this b.s. Saying you're not an adult, because you don't pay the bills in the house. That maybe if i paid my car insurance i'd be seen more as an adult. If i could i would, but financially I'm not there yet. It's like that's what they don't seem to understand. If they were out on the streets homeless with no food to eat, would that make them less of an adult. Like seriously. Think about what you're saying. Trying to break free from home. That doesn't even feel like a home. Hell it doesn't even feel like we're a family. Some days i just feel like i'm here. I'm just here with nothing to hold on to, except God. He's what i need to start holding to.

People, alcohol, sex, money, and etc can't fulfill the void that's in my heart. This yearning to be loved and not alone, God can fulfill all of it. And I havent been letting Him. It's said that i know the truth, i know what needs to be done but i choose not to do it. That's why i need to pull this trigger. I need to start over. I need God to come rescue me. I don't need Him to help me... I need Him to resuce me. Rescue me from myself, and my own desires that aren't of Him. GOD PLEASE. I'M CRYING OUT TO YOU. DO YOU NOT HEAR ME? I'M TIRED OF THE LIES, HURT, PAIN, CONFUSION, I'M TIRED OF IT ALL. JUST TAKE THESE BROKEN WINGS AND MEND MY HEART BACK TOGETHER. IT HURTS, AND IT IS BROKEN FROM ALL THE SIN OF WHICH I PLACED UPON MYSELF. I WANT TO CHANGE BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW. I WANT TO LIVE A LIFE THAT IS PLEASING TO YOU, BUT I DONT KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. GOD HELP ME TO SEE YOUR LOVE FOR ME. THAT YOU CREATED ME FOR A PURPOSE. THERE'S A PURPOSE TO MY LIFE. DO WHAT YOU WILL GOD, AND I WILL FOLLOW. HELP ME TO SEE YOUR FACE. HELP THOSE AROUND ME TO SEE YOUR FACE. GOD PLEASE...PLEASE LORD ANSWER THE PRAYER OF WHICH I HAVE SPOKEN. WASH MY HEART, AND PURIFY IT FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS. GIVE ME PEACE, HOPE, STRENGTH AND FAITH THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. I LOVE YOU. AMEN.