yOu CaN't FoRcE sOmEtHiNg To FaDe... In TiMe ThInGs FaDe On iTs OwN

In order for blue jeans to fade, they must be worn and washed...time in and time out. Go through sun exposure and dirt.

I guess the same goes with pain. I won't hide this pain. I plan on wearing it until it wears off. I'll wash the pain with positive reinforcements, so the next time it's worn some of the pain will have faded with it. My pain is like a pair of blue jeans.

It feels like you don't know how much i love you, how much i care about, and how much i'm hurting. Maybe you do, i could just be assuming... i mean that is something i do, but it's all one can do when they don't know.

I walked into your room today and just stood there for a few minutes. Looked around and reminisced on the memories we made together in that room. My eyes filled with tears as i looked at my side of the bed, because i knew that side would soon be occupied by someone who isn't me. I looked at the floor to still see the pink paint, remembering when we had our paint war and the masterpiece of handprints we made. I'll never forget that day. I could honestly say that was one of the best dates we ever had. Getting creative together :D

Then i looked in your nightstand draw to see the key i gave you. A part of me wanted to take it, but it belonged there. It symbolizes something more then what i said to you that day. I really don't remember what i said, but it symbolizes the key to my heart.

Then i went to therapy, after taking what belonged to me and leaving you 2 MJ tribute magazines, sunblock, and the lighter you can't live without lol. Sitting in the waiting room i felt my emotions rise. I really didn't think i was going to cry in therapy this morning, but when i got in the door i felt safe. That session i just talked about you, how i felt and what you meant/mean to me. Then i began to see, you mean everything to me. Just laying everything out to her, with tears streaming down my face, i felt free to express everything. Something i can't do with you, because it's about you.

You were my safe haven, i confided in you like no one else. I went to you for everything, and when i needed you most i couldn't come to you, because it was all about you. How you make me feel, how just being around you gave me peace. Being around you made me feel like, that's where i was suppose to be. There are days when i just want to be with you. Like we don't have to even talk, being in your prescene is enough. But now I can't be. I guess i'm finally feeling, the feeling of being left behind. I mean everyone gets left behind at some point in their life, but with you i didnt think it would come this soon. Yes i know we're still friends. Yes i know you're not dead. But that closeness/intimacy we shared is what i miss between us. Just being around you. SIGH. I miss being your baby girl.

I keep trying to see it all. That you had to make a choice. There were 2 roads, and you chose one.
But then i sit and wonder, if you had the same exact opportunities here in California. A job, a place, and a car... would you have stayed. That's an answer i may never know.

Then i keep wondering, do you think about me as much as i think about you. I have it on my desktop just for kicks.

I just have these thoughts, of what would happen if you tried to come back to me because things spiral downward, what would i do? Where would i be in that point in time? But some things are left to be unknown until certain situations take place.

I miss you. I haven't missed anyone this much since Angel, and you know the story behind her. She was my rock, my fortress, my shield from all that was bad. She kept me safe. She held me tight when i was scared. And when i came back to find out she was gone, i was devastated. I was an absolute mess. Losing you, is like losing her all over again. It's a pain/hurt i never thought i could feel again. But i'm feeling it.

All i know is that i love you. I don't know what to do, where to go, and who to turn to. I'm still in love with you, and i know it's a thing you can't just turn off. It's gonna take time to fade, like a favorite pair of blue jeans. It seems time is all i have.