Sigh. My heart is filled with so many mixed emotions. My heart is like a loaded gun, and I just want to pull the trigger to release everything inside. It's a dangerous thought, but each day my finger pulls a little tighter on it. From losing a little girl whom I admired so much to losing a friend (who's going off to fulfill something she's been waiting for for years on end). From fighting against the parentals and their way of living to the sudden death of Michael Jackson. So much pain can't be held by one person. Yet it's crazy on how I hold all this stuff in.
I know I'll see Zaria in heaven one day, but to this day it still hurts that she's gone. She was only 11, about to go into middle school and now she's gone. I know the Lord has her close to Him, and some day that's where I want to be. Standing right there with Zaria and hugging her for forever. I'll see you soon baby girl. I love you.
Though I know you leaving won't be the end of our friendship, it's more of an end of what we had. As much as I don't want to lose that closeness/intimacy, I know it's something that will happen. It's something that has to happen almost. You probably will argue it differently, but me being the voice of logic between the two of us sees it to be that way. I'll always have you to come to when I'm having issues with the parentals. I'll always have you to talk to about life, and what's going on in the world of Keena and vice versa. I just want you to be happy. I love you so much, and only God knows how deep that love runs for you Cacey Chavonne. You mean so much to me as a friend. You know so much about me, alot more then people who've known me longer then you have. It's that certain bond we have I guess. Just know that I love you, no matter what you do or where you go. Most importantly know that God has you... just hold on to Him. As hard as it may be sometimes, just try and He'll do the rest.
It's so hard trying to be independent, when the parentals try to come at you with all this b.s. Saying you're not an adult, because you don't pay the bills in the house. That maybe if i paid my car insurance i'd be seen more as an adult. If i could i would, but financially I'm not there yet. It's like that's what they don't seem to understand. If they were out on the streets homeless with no food to eat, would that make them less of an adult. Like seriously. Think about what you're saying. Trying to break free from home. That doesn't even feel like a home. Hell it doesn't even feel like we're a family. Some days i just feel like i'm here. I'm just here with nothing to hold on to, except God. He's what i need to start holding to.
People, alcohol, sex, money, and etc can't fulfill the void that's in my heart. This yearning to be loved and not alone, God can fulfill all of it. And I havent been letting Him. It's said that i know the truth, i know what needs to be done but i choose not to do it. That's why i need to pull this trigger. I need to start over. I need God to come rescue me. I don't need Him to help me... I need Him to resuce me. Rescue me from myself, and my own desires that aren't of Him. GOD PLEASE. I'M CRYING OUT TO YOU. DO YOU NOT HEAR ME? I'M TIRED OF THE LIES, HURT, PAIN, CONFUSION, I'M TIRED OF IT ALL. JUST TAKE THESE BROKEN WINGS AND MEND MY HEART BACK TOGETHER. IT HURTS, AND IT IS BROKEN FROM ALL THE SIN OF WHICH I PLACED UPON MYSELF. I WANT TO CHANGE BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW. I WANT TO LIVE A LIFE THAT IS PLEASING TO YOU, BUT I DONT KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. GOD HELP ME TO SEE YOUR LOVE FOR ME. THAT YOU CREATED ME FOR A PURPOSE. THERE'S A PURPOSE TO MY LIFE. DO WHAT YOU WILL GOD, AND I WILL FOLLOW. HELP ME TO SEE YOUR FACE. HELP THOSE AROUND ME TO SEE YOUR FACE. GOD PLEASE...PLEASE LORD ANSWER THE PRAYER OF WHICH I HAVE SPOKEN. WASH MY HEART, AND PURIFY IT FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS. GIVE ME PEACE, HOPE, STRENGTH AND FAITH THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. I LOVE YOU. AMEN.
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