Today was a great day. One of those days full of different insights where you can't help but share with someone or just write about it.
It was a typical Wednesday. Intro to Sociology in the morning and good old stats afterward. Took a nice nap. I bet you're wondering where I'm going with all this but I'll get to the good stuff right about now...
Anyways today's therapy session was so amazing. Being able to let out how I really and honestly feel without being told how I should feel or being told what I need to be feeling at this point in time. I was just able to speak what I was feeling. With everything that's happened within the past few months...From my stage of "rebelling" to someone who meant the whole world to me making a move that's changed the dynamics of us.
It's so difficult to change so quick and rapidly when I've been used to texting this person everyday, just talking about nothing. Just having that person on the other end responding to my nothingness was something i looked forward to all the time. Getting to know her. Spending so much time with her. After my drive with my friend, Jen, on Monday to old sights Cacey and I once visited, I realized how many miles Cacey and I covered together while she was in California. From L.A. to San Diego. From my hometown to her hometown. It's like she's here, but not here. I feel her almost everywhere around me outside these Biola gates. Well now that I think about it, she's here as well... because I remember taking her on a late night tour when i had to get some stuff from my dorm. I guess where I'm getting with all this is that I had no boundaries with her. I let her in to me, and who I was.
I gave her full reign of me, in my opinion and that's where I feel a lot of this hurt and pain comes from. I was attached to her on such a different level, a different scale. Emotions were tied in and played a huge role, in what I felt for her at the time. I know you're probably wondering who is this her she speaks of... She knows who she is, but if you really must know go back in some of my blogs and you'll get some clue of who she is.
But in essence I guess what I'm really feeling is that I was caught in a web of her confusion, basically in the wrong place at the right time. I spoke a lot on this in therapy. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret what took place between her and I because I believe everything happens for a reason. I'm just now getting around to really getting down to the root of what's going on in my heart and mind. It just feels sometimes I was left to just get out of this web by myself. It's hard to figure out something by yourself, when you didn't get into that situation by yourself. And it's also difficult to express how you and what you feel to the person that was with you in this, when it seems like they've already moved on from it. It makes the situation frustrating, and I begin to wonder/question.
This young lady, knew me. Studied me sooo very well. She didnt know me for more then I think at least a month and she could tell when I would shut down, or when i was upset, even when i was deep in thought. I mean it doesn't make it anymore better that I'm easy to read anyway. But it's funny how she took so much time to study me, how i was so interesting to her at a point in time, and now I really don't know what I am to her. But she's missing the very significance of me now.
Though I'm hurting and in pain at certain times, I still choose to pick up and try to get through this. Grant it, it hasn't been easy. trust. Especially living back at school, when she was only like a mile away or so. Everyday is a battle for me. I literally have to take one hour at a time. Some hours are better then others, and that's the honest truth. There are moments where I want to give up, and just bury all of this behind me. Not try to deal with what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling it. But I choose to deal with it now, and that's something I'm most definitly not used to. In the past all I've done is push things aside and forget those who've hurt me. I'm choosing not to push her away, and all the things we've shared. I choose to acknowledge her existence, that she was here and made a mark in my heart and in my life.
I was eating dinner with one of my soul girls, Bo Bo K aka Kelsey, today. We were just catching up on summer. Just before summer, her and her boyfriend had broken up. So over the summer we went through almost the same thing. Just rebelling, and going on an emotional roller coaster ride. She told be how they haven't talked since April. How he refuses to acknowledge that she was ever apart of his life. I felt so hurt by that. They were together for 2 years. I mean how can you not remember all the good times you had with a person. It's crazy how one can completely not acknowledge anothers existence, but I guess some people just deal with certain situations differently. It's sad, that she was hurt so bad. Someone that she thought she would of been with for forever. It's just boggles my mind how someone can trick themselves into thinking that someone whom they once cared so much about didn't/doesn't matter or didn't make a mark on their life. Sometimes I wonder if i made a big enough impact on Cacey's life, to be remembered and not to be completly tossed away because I didn't fit into her new life. But I guess some questions are best not answered ~shrug~
I'll never question the love she said she had for me. Some things like being in love with someone else (as in our situation with her ex-bf) you just have no control over, so there's nothing you can really do about that. I mean you can bitch, moan, and scream (i've done all 3 lol) but that still won't change the circumstance. You can question as much as you want, but even that won't bring any closure to your heart or mind especially if you don't have that person whom your questioning to talk about everything with because they could just be telling you what you want to hear when it's all said and done. You just gotta take it for what it's worth and work with it.
In conclusion, love is a crazy thing. It's something that shouldn't be taken lightly and it should be handled with care.
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