I just want to be happy

So what if it hurts me. So what if I break down. So what if this world just throws me off the edge my feet run out of ground. I gotta find my pace. I wanna hear my sound. Don't care about all the pain in front of me. I'm just trying to be happy.

The Fisherman and the Marlin

One dark afternoon in the Atlantic Ocean was a fisherman in his boat. He had come out a bad storm from the South Bay near the Florida keys. The fisherman was discourage because he was in search for a beautiful blue marlin. All his life he wanted to catch this beautiful fish, and show it off. He let out his line one last time, before making the long voyage back home. He sat and waited for a good while, and all of a sudden he felt something. He pulled and the line pulled back. The fisherman was now in a tug of war battle with something he couldn't see in the depths of the dark blue water. In the back of his mind, he couldn't help but think if he caught what he's been looking for. The fisherman was at the railing of the back end of the boat. He began to reel in the fish. Tugging and pulling the line trying to tire the fish out, the fish finally gave in.

The fisherman was able to pull in this beautiful blue marlin in. When he looked at it he could see that the fish was glowing. It was pretty blue sapphire color all around. The fisherman fell in love with this fish. When he picked it up the fish it began to fit him, and almost took off his head with his long nose. The fisherman couldn't understand the freedom this fish felt once before and was now fighting for. The fisherman couldn't understand, because he didn't know how it felt to be free. The fisherman fought so hard to be seen as something valuable to those around him back at home. He saw himself as the fish he caught. Struggling to survive when they both deserved to be free. The fisherman looked into the eyes of the beautiful sapphire blue marlin, and with all his love and might threw the fish back into the sea.

He then made his way back to his captain seat of his boat and wept. How this fisherman wished to be free like the blue marlin? As his eyes were closed he could feel the prescence of a bright light. He opened his eyes and in front of him saw a mystical figure. It spoke "Do you wish to be free like the blue marlin?" The fisherman was in shock of what was in front of him. This mystical being was a aquamarine color and ghost like in nature. Though hesitant the fisherman spoke, "Yes, I wish to be free like the blue marlin." In the back of his mind he began to think about all his responsibilities at home. But the fisherman was tired of the same old thing, from people he thought loved and cared for him. The mystical being turned was suddenly now floating on top of the water next to the boat. "Come" the ghost spoke. The fisherman jumped into the ocean, and immediately turned into the blue marlin he desired to be. Free to swim and roam. The marlin that he caught came alongside him, and looked into his deep black eyes. Telpathically the marlin spoke, "Now you are free, and hopefully if you are ever caught you will ignite a spark in your fisherman setting him free".

I am

I am strong because I am weak. I am beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a lover because I am a fighter. I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am wise because I have been foolish. & I laugh because I have known sadness.

I listen...

To Janet because that's the only way I can be near you. Some songs are hard but she's my only connection to you.

Lost it

I've completely lost it. Cried for a good hour because all of this damn anger I feel. All I can do is fucking cry. If this is rock bottom, well damn it i'm here. I'm just fucking angry.. I'm angry at you for moving on. And it pisses me the fuck off that I'm not able to be this way. People expect me to be mad at you and just move on because you did. I'm fucking angry because it seems as if no one fucking understands... and the one person who i feel would understand me is the one who has moved on. Now I know how you felt when he moved on. I feel that anger and it sucks ass that i feel you can't sympathize with me. I want to throw things, and just break something because that's how I feel. BROKEN, and I don't know where to start in placing these pieces back together. I'm tired of pretending that i'm happy all the damn time when i'm really sad, alone, and frustrated with life. I understand I need to move on with life... but this sucks major ass hole.

It's hard so hard...

So I broke my promise this morning and cried. I know you said you're not worth my tears, but it hurts to much to try and hold it all in. I don't want to have a meltdown one day, because I didn't deal with the pain that I'm feeling now. Everyone says it's going to be okay. I'll get through this(and they're all right in saying that, because it is true), but it's still a lost and something I have a right to grieve over. I try to be happy, and do things that make me happy whether it's painting or playing the keyboard but sometimes crying is the only way. So I'll cry when I feel it to be necessary... and dry my tears. With each tear cried there is healing.

I feel as if I've fucked up, but I'll take Janet's advice and save my sorry. I already know you've heard to many sorry's, especially from me.

Light

Give me light
Show me strength
Love me more
Set me free
Allow me peace

Give you light
Show you strength
Love you more
Set you free
Allow you peace

Let my light shine
Let your light shine
Let our light shine

Light has power to shine through the cracks of our hearts. The brokenness within our souls. The redeeming love is seen through the light of truth that lies within. Love is like the striking of a lightning bolt. Scary but beautiful.

The Story of Symone

It's funny how these damn sociology classes can bring up things in the past that you've thought you've dealt with but really haven't. I guess this is the reason why I was in such a funk last night and today. The reason why this past October I was in a weird mood, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Last night after doing my reading on suicide for Death and Dying, Symone came back to memory.

In the moment of traumatic events you tend to push what hurts the most in a deep dark corner, forgetting almost everything that ever happened just not wanting to remember. Last night brought those vivid memories back to the surface. The story of Symone.

Symone was one of those people who was mysterious in a way but that's what would draw you to her. She was brought up in a real and I MEAN real religious environment but she wasn't one of those bible thumping type of girls. She was cool in her own way. We were friends but not super duper close. We were in Spanish 1 together, and she always clung to me wanting to be in my group when we did group work in class. We were inseparable in Spanish class.

It was the end of September and I hadn't seen Symone in a few days. Which was strange since she always enjoyed going to school. The weekend had passed and it was now Monday. I reached to give her a hug and she pushed away. She looked at me with this look of sadness on her face and shook her head no. Later on that day at lunch she pulled me aside and talked to me. Apparently her parents had found out something that she hadn't plan telling them until she was in college, but they snooped through her room and found a journal she kept. There she had a list of names of all the girls she thought were beautiful, and little fantasies written in the book. I tilted my head and just looked at her. Are you a lesbian I asked her, and she said yes. I felt uneasy because I was in the same boat too of thinking that I liked girls but I didn't tell her nor was I ready to in fear of what would happened.

The days she had missed school her mother and father (who are super RELIGIOUS) took her to seek counseling and shock therapy. They were so against her being a lesbian it was ridiculous. Every day after Symone seemed to have gotten worst and worst emotionally. She didn't smile as much, there was just so much there. We would talk during lunch and even after school when I had to walk home from Temecula Valley High School somedays. But soon after us talking minimized.

It was a thursday in October that she gave me a note after school. She requested that I opened it when I got home. I did what I was told. Right when I got home I got to my chores because my grandma was coming to visit from New York and then i had tons of homework I was trying to do before the weekend, so I'd have time to spend with my grandma. I totally forgot about the note I stuck in the front of my folder.

The next day when I went to school there was something different. I had Spanish first period, and when I walked into the classroom I saw some girls crying. I asked them what was going on. They told me Symone had took her life thursday night. My heart stopped, and then I remembered the note. I opened it up and read it. There were tears drop stains on the typed letter. She obviously had read it before giving it to me.

She basically thanked me for being that one person who was able to be there and accept her for who she was. For loving her as a friend. That how she wished there were more loving people like me in the world. That she'd miss me where ever she ended up.

After her passing in October I never really took the time to process her death, and her suicide. I really just tried to stuff it in a box and tried to be okay. I tried to feel like it didn't happen. There were nights where I cried but no one heard me. Times I would miss her smile, because though we weren't the best of friends she was still there in my heart.

What makes me sad is that I had forgotten her. I pushed it so far back that I didn't realize what I did. With everything going on in my life now I felt little by little something would reappear, but I didn't think it would be this. She's someone I consider as a stepping stone to where I am. She always told me to shine like the morning star, because you never know who will need that extra sparkle in their life. So this is for you Symone. Thank you.

Tired

At this moment that's all I feel. Just tired. I know there are people out there that have it way worst then me. I understand that, but this is me as of now and I have a right to feel the way I'm feeling. I can't go on looking at things through rose colored glasses. No I don't know what the future holds though I wish I did. I can't continue thinking what if I would have opened up more, what if I would have been more honest, but what's done is done and I can't change anything.

I feel like I'm being pushed away. I don't like this feeling. You've always spoke so high of how much of an affectionate type of person you are. Yet I feel like I'm always chasing you for a hug. I'm sorry if I love hugs and just wanting to feel loved even if we are friends. I feel like you want me to know you love me, which I do know that but hugs would be nice. I need some physical connection there. I love hugs. It may be something little to one person but can mean the world to another. I'm not trying to corner anyone anywhere or have any underlying meaning. Those are just my feelings.

I don't feel like I'll ever be OKAY... I just need to cope with everything that's going on in my life one way or another. I don't want to push things away but it's like I can't take them all on at once either. I'm just tired, and I'm not sure what to do but to try and just push through but even that seems impossible. I'm in love with a person who isn't in love with me, and I just need to accept that. I know it wasn't easy for her to admit that to me, and sometimes I seem to forget that. It's hard.

What makes it so hard is that you were there through my coming out process, which is still a process and I won't allow you to tell me anything different. I don't want to lose that part of you in my life. That person I could lean or cry to about things. It hurts that there will be no me and you romantically, and that hurts me. I can't keep thinking about it. That when you finally heal from him your attention will be fully devoted to someone else who isn't me. There won't be another person tugging on your heart strings. I won't get that full attention, and that thought of me being the only person you ever want to be with. That's what makes me angry. That you needed time, but will end up being finding someone else, is what makes me sad, and that's what I'm trying to get a hold of and let go. I have days where i'm okay and I'm like I'd be okay if you were off with someone else and I was with someone new too. If it wasn't me that you weren't with. Then there are days like these when I don't really even talk to you, and I don't know if it's a test for me to call you or something. I don't know.

Tears are streaming down my face... It could be a mix of everything that's going on in my life right now. But you're a big part of me, though your love for me has change I don't want you to ever forget about me. I don't ever want to be forgotten or just a dream. I want to live on in your memories.

So true...

I love and I learn...

with every relationship...

I grow as an individual....

I start to see the world in a whole new light...

I care with all my heart...

I love with no regrets...

I hurt with no fear...

I live without an ounce of knowing...

What tomorrow may bring...

I only live once...

So I love hard ...

And hurt harder...

But at the end of the day...

I use my loses as stepping stones....

I love...

I live...

I will succeed...

-Anonymous

The Five Love Languages-Quality Time

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

My Detailed Results:
Quality Time:	9
Physical Touch:	8
Acts of Service:	5
Words of Affirmation:	5
Receiving Gifts:	3

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

How Do I...

Fall out of love... when being in love was something I've always dreamed of.

Because my life would suck without you.

Hannah's Gift : Truth

So I'm reading this book for my death and dying class. It's a book written by a mother who lost her 3 year old daughter to a rare cancer. She speaks of the memories of when she first found out about the cancer to the her daughter's death. The section I read today was entitled TRUTH. What she says about Truth at the end of this section I felt was beautiful and also powerful:

TRUTH IS FIERCE and unrelenting. We cannot change it, but we can change the way we live it. Making mistakes, not being loved, and dying are inescapable experiences of being human; so is our fear of them. By facing those fears, we have a chance to step beyond them. When we are willing to do the best we can with what we know, to be honest with ourselves and other about who we are and what really matters to us, only then are the lives we live and the love we receive truly our own.

My favorite line is: By facing those fears, we have a chance to step beyond them.

Realization

After talking to my best friend. I've realized that you're saving me from hurt and pain. With you being where you are, if we were together, and things were to hit the fan again I don't think I'd be able to handle it. You're saving me from myself. As much as I want to be your girlfriend, I know now isn't the right time. It sucks but I have to keep in mind that you're saving us both from hurt and pain.

The lengths I'd go to be there for you, and make sure you were okay. That you had everything you needed.

How can one person make me cry this much? I don't understand.

I'm more fucked up then I thought. I guess that's reality.

Woke up from my nap... and this thought came to mind.

I'd rather be me then live in misery. Living to please tradition, because it's easy. Nope, that won't be me. I refuse to continue on in a life of misery.

Waters

Sprinkle my heart in the middle of the Ocean
Allow the pieces to be disbursed

Through the turning of the sea
Let them wash on the shore

The pieces will be stronger then before
Of this I'm sure

Some may still be lost
Can you lend some pieces
Of your heart
Until I'm able to find the rest of mine

I've already braced myself
That some parts will be lost forever
The pieces of hurt and pain
I pray will never return to me again

If I find a piece on the shore
I'll be sure to evaluate it
But I think only the strong pieces
Will be able to make it

So as the pieces of my heart
Float around in the vast and roaring sea
I'll walk the shore
Waiting for those stronger pieces
To make there way back to me

A Life of Becoming

| 2 Corinthians 4:7-18
Probably the greatest obstacle to understanding God’s purpose for brokenness is this: Most believers think of Christianity as something we do. We pray. We read the Bible. We go to church. We sing hymns. We give money. We do and do—and assume that’s the Christian life. It’s not.

Authentic Christianity is about becoming rather than doing. The life of faith that God designed involves receiving Jesus into our hearts and allowing Him to change our habits, mindset, beliefs, interests, and concerns so we become more and more like Him.

Realizing this will change our perspective on the heartache we must endure. You see, when we recognize that the Christian life is about Jesus’ persistent work of “re-creation” in our lives, then the role of brokenness makes more sense. It’s the process God uses to strip us of things that have become, or may one day become, an obstacle to our growth. The Lord also uses this tool to address issues we may have declared “off limits” to Him, such as unhealthy behaviors or relationships that we rationalize.

God doesn’t want to be Lord of most of your life; He wants to be Lord of all of your life! So He zeroes in on areas of self-will and self-sufficiency to remove everything within us that relies on “self.” He uses brokenness to remove those inclinations so that we can live moment by moment, day by day, in full dependence on Him.

Open your heart, and ask God to reveal any selfish strongholds. . Let Him break unhealthy behavior patterns.

Vintage Romantic

Yeah that's me. The fairytale day dreaming vintage romantic. Believing in a love that could last for forever. There aren't many of us out there. Some fell off the wagon, due to various heartaches/heartbreaks and don't believe with their heart of a love that could last forever because of it. Then that leaves people like me to fight harder for that love. Showing to be different, and not the same as the others. Does it get overwhelming and hard sometimes, yes. But that thing that beats in my chest motivates me to keep fighting to keep pushing.

Love seems to be thrown around so much, that you never truly know if it's real or not. And then when it does end up being the very thing you want it seems to slip through your fingers. Now love to me is a lot of things. Patience, kindness, compassion and more. It's more then just a feeling, but something that reaches to your very soul. That's where you are.

Relapse

Sooooo I guess I can say I kind of... okay that's a lie... i did. I relapsed last night. After having half of a 4 loko annnnnnd a few glasses of wine I was shot. Like in the beginning I was all happy go lucky. Feeling good. Hell I wanted to dance my little ass off. Then I called her... just to say heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey and hung up in the process. she called back and was upset that I hung up on her. I'm not really sure why I was drinking in the first place.

Hm. Anyways. I proceeded to the bathroom to take a bath, try to cool down and just give her space. Then I began to panic. I saw the razor and just had at it to my leg. Yes I know inflicting pain on oneself isn't the best remedy. The last time I did this was my freshman year of college. Something deep down inside just erupted last night and I just had at it. Wait scratch that... the last time I cut was last year... but anyways.I didn't care. That was the only thing I was in control of. I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel anything... Ooooo but trust I felt it this morning. I placed my hand on my leg and looked down at it. BLOOD. All I could see was blood. Though it felt as if the pain had subsided, I knew in my heart I shouldn't have done that. There was other ways I could have released that pain I was feeling. After getting out the shower I kept calling her... time and time again, but no answer. I knew she was dealing with a lot, and me hanging up on her didn't help much. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

After knocking out for a good I'd say 4 hours I woke up abruptly out of my sleep. I listened to music and played bejeweled but the pain in my leg was great. I felt so stupid... stupid stupid I thought. What the fuck was I thinking? Was I even thinking? Side note: I've realized I really am an emotional drunk. So I put on some clothes and went to the beach after stopping off to get a cinnamon dolce latte. I was at the beach for a good hour and a half. I was so at peace.

When I came home I just sat and thought to myself. KEENA what the fuck were you thinking? Why did you do this again, especially when you promised her... you promised her you wouldn't do it again? After she told she loved you when you told her about the urges you've been having. I honestly couldn't tell you why i did it. Was it stupid, no doubt it was. Now I'm suffering over stupidity. Because I took things way to personal. Because I was so caught up in my damn emotions. What about her? What about how she was feeling? Or what she was going through when she fucking needed me. I wasn't there. I wasn't there for her. KARMA is a fucking bitch and it bit me in the ass. Now I know what she was feeling. I know now. And it sucks, that it took this to make me realize.

So now what? Well i can't keep on beating myself up about what I did. It happened... it's over. All I can do is heal... like literally. I need to find a different outlet. When the urges come, when that feeling arises deep within. I should have fought it. Or called someone.

Now I'll have to live with these scars... I think I may get a tattoo to over it one day... when it's all healed. FAITH HOPE LOVE... yup, that's the plan.

Hello Heart

I know of a lot of people going through heartache. Those who are hurting and in pain. I wrote this for those going through those things. Who feels this way... you ever wonder what you're heart might be really saying... after you've said hello to it after the aftermath of it all...

Hello heart

I see her standing in the corner
Bruised, blackened and some pieces missing

Hello heart

She turns and looks at me
The pain in her eyes is all I see

Hello heart

She walks towards me
And reaches for my hand

Hello heart

I touch her
She’s ice cold

Hello heart

I hear her scream at me and this is what she said...

You say hello to me
As if you really know me
I’m blackened and bruised
Cold and angry

I’ve warned you so many times
But you didn’t listen to me
You didn’t listen
Now look at me
I’m hurting
And you still just seem to not care.

Hello heart

Stop saying hello to me
Fix me
Help me
I want to love again

I don’t know where to start
I look at her with concern
Yet she continues on...

Let go of the one that keeps hurting me
Stop allowing for people to hurt me
I’m tired of hurting and getting hit
You didn’t protect me
Why didn’t you protect me?

I want to love again
I don’t want to be angry anymore
I don’t want to hurt

So fix me
Open me up
Pour out the pain
Clean me up
Make me whole

Because I when it's all said and done
Love is all I know

I remember...

I remember the days when I would go to the restroom, and would never look in the mirror because of how ugly I thought I was.

I remember when I would cut myself on my leg because of all the pain I felt, from my dad not being there, from feeling as if i wasn't good enough for anyone, from feeling as if I'll never be loved, from feeling like an outcast, from feeling as if life just didn't seem to matter.

I remember when I would think about taking my own life. I had a long list implanted in the back of my mind.

I remember when my mom would take adonia and I to work at the nursing home because it was only her to care for us.

I remember the days we would eat the same thing for dinner 5 nights in a row, and when the neighbors would bring us food because we were just that down in the gutter.

I remember when my mom worked double shifts back to back just to make ends meet.

I remember when I first kissed him in the 2nd grade, and how my world spun at the thought of seeing him everyday at school.

I remember that day when Angel took my mom's car and we all went on this drive. Damn near died, because she had to make a sharp turn and the car almost flipped over.

I remember how my mom, sister, and I were so close until the bastard came.

I remember when I got my driver's license... I thought I was so bomb.

I remember when I got Kanoe... I had just got home from work and was knocked out on the couch, and my mom came in. She told me to go outside, and there she was. BAM.

I remember when I told Nicole I liked girls... and the condemnation she threw at me.

I remember telling Amber... the first girl I've ever told... I liked her and the awkwardness that came from it.

I remember taking 6 shots of tequila and puking up all over the place.

I remember feeling alone and wishing I had a boyfriend, trying to deny my feelings for women all together because I was so ashamed of who i was.

I remember trying to be perfect for everyone else. Trying to please everyone else, and not feeling fulfilled within myself.

I remember when I was head over heels over Robert Marshall in the 3rd grade... Hehehe I gave him my Sega Gensis game... it was the Lion KIng.

I remember the first girl I've ever kissed, and that's how I some how knew.

I remember going to the emergency room with Adonia a countless number of times because she was always getting hurt.

I remember the nights hearing my mother crying.

I remember teaching adonia how to ride a bike. LOL. I think i pushed her over on purpose one time HAHA.

I remember ripping this lace thing off the pink couch when we were in Oceanside and blaming it on Adonia... and she got a butt whooping.

I remember those lonely nights at the dorm freshman year when Bekah was gone. Sleeping in a big dark room all alone.

I remember when Robert, my mom's ex boyfriend, took Adonia, my foster brothers and sister, and I on a hike in Escondido at Dixon Lake.


I remember when Ashlee, Bri Bri, Bekah, and I had a "family" meeting. Sharing the worst things we've ever done and the look we all gave Ashlee when she said the worst thing she did was talk to some random people from the chat rooms on the phone XD

I remember opening all my college acceptance letters.

I remember the freedom I felt when i stopped fighting against my attraction for women, and evolving into me and who God has created me to be.

I remember telling you I love you.

I remember our PCH rides late at night, and all of our adventures.


There's so much more that I remember, but i think the one thing I'll never forget and I mean this with everything I have is falling in love with you.

They say...

They say that love comes and goes.
I say they don't understand what they don't. What I feel starts deep inside a planted seed that springs into life.

They say marriage should only be between a man and a woman.
I say if two people love each other, whether it be the traditional couple or people of the same-sex, they should be able to prove their love to one another and get married.

They say that in order to get to heaven you have to follow all these rules from the bible.
I say if you love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and love your neighbor as yourself, you should be fine.

They say that gay people are an abomination.
I say all people are beautiful no matter who they are and where they come from.

They say your inner authentic self is dangerous.
I say your authentic self is someone that is beautiful once it's found.

They say that people on welfare are no good, because they don't want to work.
I say some people don't have a choice.

You say you don't deserve my love.
I say love is a gift, not something you should have to work for.

Gonna listen this time around...

So I've been told that I don't listen... why... because I think I know everything...which was true, until I began my transition of turning a new leaf.

And I quote, "As selfish as it sounds I'm just really focused and centered on myself right now. But you need to focus like that too..." Soooooo instead of doing what I usually did in the past of "ignoring" I'm going to listen, because she's right.

She's been through so much in the past 3 years, and I know I need to respect the fact of her needing space. Of her needing to focus and be centered on herself before she can focus on anyone else. As much as I love her and care for her I know there's a time and place for everything. Right now isn't the time for us to be focused on each other but on ourselves, because neither of us knows what the future holds. If I keep on focusing on her, and things don't go the way I have it planned in my mind where would that leave me... heartbroken... when that all could have been avoided. I guess it would hurt less this time around by doing what needs to be done then by what doesn't need to be done.

My feelings I'll still hold in a special place for when and if the time comes of us being together. But until then I'm just going to try and focus on Keena which won't be easy, but I have to make some kind of attempt.

PEACE

Reality

Not reaching out for sympathy just writing about my reality. I thought I was something that I'm obviously not, and that hit me late last night. I'm not as real and honest as I made myself out to be. I thought I was there when I really wasn't. I feel like I can't even speak anymore because I don't want to seem like I'm taking anything the wrong way. That's my reality. I'm not the person I thought I was. So I'm just going to leave it at that.

Now it's time to just stand up and change those things that need to be changed. Now that I know my faults, instead of speaking about it I'm going to do something about it. I'm done living a mediocre life. I'm looking at the woman in the mirror, and I'm gonna make that change. It's time for change.

Pain

Laid in the shower for a good 30 minutes just crying and screaming. I probably could have stayed in there forever as the water just hit my body. A part of me felt at peace in the water, another just wanted to fill the bath tub and just well you know. There's nowhere to go but up. Can't say I've hit rock bottom maybe I have but hopefully I've caught myself before I actually hit it only time will tell I guess. Sigh. SMH. I guess I should get dress.

Heavy Heart

I lay here staring up at the ceiling. Wishing this weight I feel would just disappear. So tired of the yelling and the anger. I was hurting this morning, because you were hurting. I know I can't take your pain upon myself, but I just wish there was some way to fix it all. I try not to think about it, but it's hard. You asked me why do I even care.

I care because I love you the way God loves me. That's my only answer. I love because God loves me. That's my best answer. There's no other way to explain why I do the things I do. I have my faults, yes. I'm not perfect, yes. But love is what I strive to give.

I can't help but love those whom I choose to.

My heart is heavy because I'm unaware of what else to do. I've shown myself approve, but still that doesn't feel like enough. So I'm throwing my hands up, and just allowing God to lead the way. My heart is heavy, and I've grown weary. So God please release my heart of this weight and hers as well, because I know her heart is just as heavy and she has grown just as weary. Help me to know and for her to know that there will be a brighter day. Even if we both don't reach it on the same day.

This is the Element of Freedom

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to bloom.

I'm blooming because I've grown tired of remaining in that bud. The beauty of me is seen through my uniqueness. Through my flaws, failures, and imperfections I am human. I can never achieve perfection, because perfection does not exist. I still have a long way to go in finding myself, after walking away from the mold everyone else has created for me. I have people along the way who are there to help guide and support me through this.

Never again will I allow someone to force their views upon me. I'm going to stand up for me. When it's all said and done, I'll be a me. I can't wait to see my own smile.

Can't help but think

That I was the one to blame. I'm sorry for making you pretend. I'm sorry that I couldn't just let go the first time and make things easy. I'm sorry that I was all over you when you came back. I'm sorry that he hates you. I'm sorry I can't change the past. I'm sorry that you and I didn't last. I'm sorry for not knowing you as well as he did. I'm sorry, but sorry doesn't even seem to cut it.

If I were in your shoes

I can't even bare to think the pain you feel
Though I've felt pain it still doesn't compare... This is for you.

If I were in your shoes

I'd scream bloody murder
For I walked through life
With no regrets
But yet I let this one escape

If I were in your shoes

I'd want to crawl in a corner
Wither and die like a flower
On a hot summers day
The sun having no grace

If I were in your shoes

I'd inflict pain upon myself
Showing myself the reality
Of what's going on inside of me
Wearing the pain inside & out

If I were in your shoes

I'd want to go back
And fix everything I broke
Make things right with him
Wishing I never choked

If I were in your shoes

I'd tell the girl that I've cross paths
That I love her, but I love him
That I made a mistake by being with you
I'm sorry for the pain I've caused

If I were in your shoes

I'd tremble at the fact
That I'd never get another chance
At what I've always wanted
That I have to live with that regret

If I were in your shoes I'd feel the same you feel.
If only I were in your shoes
You wouldn't have to face all the things in front of you
I'm not in your shoes, but I want to walk alongside of you
As you walk
In those shoes

LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE

LIVE- Live as if there is no tomorrow. We make mistakes and decisions each and everyday. Some are good and some not so much but that's a part of living. Don't take things to personally in life, because it will just tear you up and life's to short for all that. Live with purpose and strive to be the best YOU only you can be. Don't run around worrying about what if they don't like me or think i'm this way... words from a wise person... FUCK 'EM... Everyone is given a life, what they do with it is on them and them alone. You can't live for anyone else but you, and that's what I've been learning. It's good to take time out to be with you. Make you better for that one person to join you and become that unit. When living life as if there is no tomorrow, I'm not saying do everything you feel the need to do. Take each moment as it comes, and each day at a time. That's living life.

LAUGH-Laugh even when you know deep down you want to cry. Smile because you never know who's looking, and needing that boost of hope. Laughter cleanses the soul, just as much as crying does. It's okay to be sad sometimes, but never forget to laugh and smile in the midst of pain and sorrow.

LOVE- Love those around you who deserve your love, and love those who have hurt you. I'm not so much saying love the hurt they've brought onto you, but love the person you've become after overcoming that pain. If you haven't, now would be a good time. I know there are some things I thought I've overcome but in reality I've just suppressed it. So now is the time for me to face those hurts head on and then let them go. You have to love yourself enough to not allow those things to hurt you anymore. So whether you meditate or pray, release it so that you won't have to deal with it anymore and allow love to occupy that space where that hurt and pain once resided. It won't be easy, but who ever said life was easy in the first place.

My smile of the day...

Love this little kid. One of my close friend's baby. This is so priceless.

Torn

As life moves forward i can't help but sit in this at the moment. The sadness, the guilt. Though you say you made the decisions, my hands are just as bloody. Knowing everything I knew, still I pushed for something that I knew wouldn't be healthy for the both of us. If I claim to love you as much as I say I do, I should have loved you enough to just have left you alone. It wasn't about me. It's not about me. I just couldn't let go, and at this point in time I still don't want to let go. I know it's selfish, but you just mean so much. I think of him and you together, and I'd rather see that then him with someone else or you with someone else but me. Sounds strange I know. I see us all being friends and civil down the road, not sure how far off that would be. I had a dream of you and him having little Brooklynn and I was there with you guys in the delivery room. It was as if we were one big family. There was no pain, no animosity, just peace. I'm unsure how likely that would be a reality ~shrug~.

I'm torn. Yes I can see myself moving on, but I feel like that would be a long time from now. There would be no other choice. Meeting new people I can deal with, getting to know them fine. Hanging out and going to the movies sure, but when it comes to the whole being intimate thing, that's a no go. You were my first, and I want that to be cherished. I can't picture myself holding anyone else the way I held you, or someone holding me the way you do. I can't see me kissing anyone else's lips but yours. I can't see myself falling in love with anyone else the way I fell in love with you.

Apart of me just wanted to wake up this morning hoping everything that happened last night was just a bad dream, but then I see the tear stains on my pillow and realize no it was reality. When I was drifting to sleep and had tears stream down my face all I wanted to feel was your arms wrapped around me telling me it would be okay. I just wanted to feel and hear your heart beat against my ear.

Every time I hear you say I'll be better off without you, or just to go on and live my life I begin to cry. I don't want to live without you. I don't want to live my life without you some how in it. I need you in my life. I need you to be in my life. In some way shape or form. I need you, and I'm torn because I know you need me too.

I could really use a wish right now.

If I had one wish I really don't know what I'd do with it. I mean with everything I've been going through you would think I'd use it for one thing in particular but then that would be selfish of me.

Love is hard.period.There will never be happy days without sad days. Love is something unique and special, and with love comes pain as well.

The thought of losing you hurts to think about. Tears begin to stream as the thought comes to mind. Memories can never be erased, and I wouldn't want them to be either. You tell me that I should have listened to those who told me to run, but I'm glad I didn't because despite the situation that we're in now we have a lot of good memories. I wouldn't change that for the world. Though I wouldn't have gotten hurt, I feel as if the hurt is worth the memories we have. Everything in life happens for a reason.

Hold it in your heart and mind that I'll always love you. Forever and ever. I will always love you, and that will never change. If I had one wish right now it would be for all of us to not feel the pain we're feeling.

Impossible

Impossible is a word created to defeat the dreams of people. Some thought it was impossible for a man to walk on the moon, but it happened.Some think it's impossible for someone to fall in love with a person when they've only known them for a short period of time, in which they could be right. But they don't know what's going on in the heart and the mind of that person who says they're in love with a person they've only known for a year and five months. ~shrug~ I know where my feelings are, and where they're nestled. So I'm not going to let someone try to invade me and my feelings, as if they know me. I know where I stand and who I am... and making a declaration that nothing is impossible... not even falling in love, because love knows no boundaries or time frame. Love surpasses all.

Living in the moment....

It's hard to say where I am right now. I'm at this point of just letting go, and allowing for whatever to be-be. I've grown tired of worrying about what will happen in the future. I know deep down in my heart what I desire, and what I want to happen but I've learned that sometimes those desires may not become a reality. I'm learning to keep an open-heart and open-mind to what may come my way. If I stay so focus on one thing, I feel like I'll miss out on so many other opportunities. Not saying I want to go dating around and stuff. There's only one person I feel is for me, but due to other circumstances and such it's really hard to know for sure of what may come of us. She's someone I love and care about so much. It scares me sometimes of how much I love her. Not so much being scared of loving her but just to the degree of how much I love her. It's hard to explain.

She makes my heart flutter every time I see her name on my caller id. When she texts me, just to let me know that she's thinking of me. She just means so much to me.

So by just living one day at a time and giving up my fears up to God each morning, I feel a great sense of peace. It can be overwhelming at times, this feeling of peace but I've learned to accept it and just rest in it. The world is filled with so much turmoil and this gift of peace is something that I need to start cherishing and stop questioning.

So on this day I want to encourage you to live in the moment. As hard as it is (speaking from experience) that's all you really can do. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own. God wants us to live out each day to the fullest, and we really can't achieve if we worry about what tomorrow brings.

LIVE LAUGH LOVE :*

What does it mean to be brave?

Dictionary.com: –adjective 1.possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.

To be brave I feel is not being afraid of any outcome within any situation. Being able to hold your head up high with whatever happens. It's okay to feel defeat, but to claim it is something different. In life there will be sadness,but know that happiness is right around the corner. We have to keep our mind centered on the positive. As hard as it may be at times. We just have to keep moving forward with our heads held high, as we heal from the things of the past.

Brave-Leona Lewis

Angels lift you off the ground
I've got shadows weighing me down
Still you believe
You believe in me
I wish I could feel that way

You can trust so easily
I can't give you all of me
Stay holding on
When you should be gone
I wish I was that brave

You go to war for love like a soldier
I wanna run away
You're never scared to walk through the fire
I wish I had your faith
I turned away
Knowing my heart could break
I'm so afraid to lay down my armour
I'm not brave
I'm not brave

Keep my shield up constantly
Stop these arrows piercing me
Now I dont know how
How to put it down (These are right I think)
I wish I was that brave
Leona Lewis Brave lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com.com/leona-lewis-brave-lyrics.html

You go to war for love like a soldier
I wanna run away
You're never scared to walk through the fire
I wish I had your faith
I turned away
Knowing my heart could break
I'm so afraid to lay down my armour
I'm not brave
I'm not brave

Oh I'm not, I'm not brave
Still you believe
You believe in me
I wish I was that brave

You go to war for love like a soldier
I wanna run away
You're never scared to walk through the fire
I wish I had your faith
I turned away
Knowing my heart could break
I'm so afraid to lay down my armour
I'm not brave
I'm not brave
I'm not brave
I'm not brave

A gift from God...not a curse

My love for God has grown immensely after coming face to face with the reality that I am a Christian and a lesbian, and it's okay. It's hard living in a world where I'm looked at differently because of who I claim to be. Hearing all over that it's either a phase, that it's something I'll grow out of, or that God doesn't love people like me and I'm an abomination and that i need to change.

Being at a "Christian" institution doesn't make matters any easier. Where I'm flogged with the hidden messages that God doesn't make people homosexual. Well I believe that to be false because God doesn't make junk, and I for sure as hell ain't standing for that. People try over and over to come up with some practical way to say why someone is gay, but there isn't one except that they were created that way including myself to fulfill something that God has for their journey in life.

I am destined for something great, and this is a gift that God gave me to achieve that. I get my confirmation of who I am from God first and those who accept and love me for me. I want the voice of those who are oppressed by society to be heard when it comes to the issue of being gay. Giving them the assurance that God does love them, regardless of what those ignorant picketers flash on their GLBT hater signs.

How can one "choose" to live a life where they are an outcast, talked down upon, hated, and so much more. Personally if it were a choice and I knew what would have come with it I probably wouldn't have chosen it for myself. But this is who I am, and who God has made me to be. So I'm going to run with it, and live-out my life serving Him and allow him to use this gift to further His kingdom by reaching those who the church outcasts. Showing them love instead of hate, compassion instead of pride. Life's to short, and to many young people are dying because they aren't accepted by society and I'm tired of sitting around knowing that it's happening. God's plan for them wasn't for them to take their own lives. That's what lies heavy on my heart right now. The number of teens and even people my age who are so fearful of what those who claim to love them will say, that it's easier to just die. It's not easy to stay trapped in "the closet", but it's the route that many who are GLBT have to face sometime in their own life.

I want to go into talking about me for a second. I know you're probably wondering what about your journey Keena, where have you come from with everything...

From a young age I was always attracted to girls. At that stage a lot of people would say well you're a child it's curiosity. Welllll sure you can say that but the feelings I had were more then just curiosity. Now what I'm about to say is really personal and I've been going back and forth in should i share this or should i not but who cares it's about me damnit, anyways when I was about 6 or 7 I kissed my next door neighbor in my bed. I know you're like Keena you were so young, I know i know. But let me tell you when my mom walked in I've never been snatched so fast in all my life. My mom gave me the butt whooping of a life time. I never knew why it was wrong. I mean grant it I was very young to be active in those type of activities but that still didn't serve any justice to me getting my ass handed to me quite literally, and that's when the suppression of my feelings for girls came into play.

Now off to middle school. After suppressing my feelings for so long I felt "normal" to an extent. That I was like all the other girls talking about boys and wanting to be with one and blah blah blah. And then that day came when I started getting these stirred up feelings for a close friend in 7th grade. I wasn't sure what to do at the time. I was like what the hell why is this happening. Why do i have these feelings? After going to this church for a while I was then told it was a sin to like those of the same-sex and that it was wrong. Wanting to be the good Christian I sacrificed my feelings. I've never felt so trapped in all my life. Just wanting to be free, but being told I can't be free in who I was. Soooo suppression was all that could be done, until 8th grade and I was tired of just hiding it. I had liked this girl and had a dream about her and wrote her a letter just telling her everything. Yeeeeeah that wasn't such a bright idea. I was looked at funny by all her friends and even some of my own who i thought were my friends. Not a good look. At that point was the time I got very suicidal and just didnt want to have to deal with life anymore. Soooo sad.

Now journey through high school. After being shut down basically in middle school and basically left behind I continued to suppress my feelings. I just wanted to be "normal" like everyone else. And I was at a point where I didn't like girls or so i thought after suppressing myself to think that. As senior year rolled around those feelings again began to take charge. But i felt like there was nothing I could do. It was something I just kept on fighting. That's all i was ever told to fight against the sin blah blah. I kept to myself a lot in high school. Didn't want to be seen.

NOW COLLEGE... This is where it really all begins. So the reason why I chose to come to Biola was because hey it's a Christian university. This should help me with my issue. Yes i saw it as being an issue because that's what it is to a lot of people now a days and back then. I just had the idea of getting right with Jesus, and being around Christian people who feel the same... life is good. Negative. Sophomore year i had a thing for this one girl who lived on the floor. I told her, and lets say shit hit the fan just like how it did in middle school. Her friends whole all lived on the floor knew. They looked at me funny day in and day out. I had a talk with the R.D. about it, and was told about the "standards of biola" It's funny how their standards matter most then my own heart or my being human..sad i know.After that I went to a friend from back home who shall remain nameless, who i trusted. She was a strong believer and told me I could go to her for anything, so i took her word for it. I went to her and told her everything that happened, and the first thing she told me, "You're going to go to hell if you don't fix this. God didn't make you this way you chose to be this way. So you need to stop this nonsense and get right with God." It's like what do you say to that. I'm sorry you think I'm going to hell. After that my "gayness" was something I kept to myself until I came out to my friends in the Spring about it, being that I was in a relationship with Cacey, and I wanted to be accepted and them being my friends wanted them to know about who I was with . Who's cacey you may ask? Ummm did u not read the sentence before it LOL. Anyways I came out to my friends for support because it was something I couldn't hide about myself anymore. This was something that I felt needed to be share because it was and is apart of who I am. If i hid that part of me I was hiding all of me. And that's not fair to either party. I got another lecture from one friend that was about the same as the nameless person. I was condemned to hell basically, and if i didnt change they wouldn't see me as a friend or a Christian anymore. Soooo what did i do... nothing. Absolutely nothing. I felt like there was really nothing I couldn't have done. For the period of time that I was with Cacey I thought I was feeling conviction from God, when in reality it was the weight of condemnation I got from all of those whom i thought cared about me, and loved ME... but how could they when they didn't really know me in the first place. It was like i still felt like the same person, except they just knew i preferred women over men. But as time went on and Cacey left for her journey out in Arizona I began to search for me. And see who Keena was meant to be. Still associated with those friends who condemned me here at Biola, I felt different. I wasn't compelled to share due to seeing their true colors, but I saw a change within me. And then as the semester came around that's where the real transformation took place. With help from my best friends who do support me, my sister, and Cacey whom I love dearly I was able to see who God saw me to be. A beautiful creation.

I began to do my own research about What the bible truly says about homosexuality. Building my own beliefs, and not following the "Christian" thoughts and ideas. I began to focus on Keena's ideas and thoughts. Looking and reading. Also finding a church by my school that is accepting and affirming of those who are GLBT. Facing myself in the mirror and telling myself that God made me wonderfully and fearfully. That even though people see me as being different, God sees me as being something beautiful. So many get caught up in what the bible says. A book that has been translated and revised only God knows how many times. Do you know the word homosexual wasn't in the original manuscripts but was added in 1946? Hmm interesting huh. I just felt the need to have some of my journey be told. I mean that's only the tip of the iceberg, but there it is. Until next time :*

hm.i love you.

I don't know where to start, nor do I know when this will end. I have so many things i feel like i need to release. So many emotions and feelings that i feel like you should know about. things that i want to get off my chest. i love you. three simple words, but yet it doesn't even seem like enough to even scratch the surface of what i feel for you. there's like this deep down incredible feeling i get when im around you, get a message from you, or even know that there's a chance i can see you. something about the way you love me gets me so worked up and emotional. sometimes i just feel like crying because its so overwhelming, i don't know how to handle it.

i know you're not him and sometimes its hard to separate that when its been the same old habits for the past three years. but i really am working on that. sometimes its hard to believe that i have indeed moved on to something so much better. its hard, because sometimes its easier for me to revert back to old ways, because that is what i know. it was always predictable. i always knew the outcome. i was... comfortable, but NOT in a good way. more in the settled way. settling for less because it was better than the last, but still not the best. settling because i thought the real thing would never really come to be. settling because i thought i could fix and change him. settling because things started to happen the way me and him had planned. settling because i was afraid of taking a chance and allowing you to consume all of me fully. i guess sometimes i just feel like i don't deserve you and the way you love me. i feel like because i endured him for three years, that's what i had to settle for, that that was as good as it got. and you came and proved it all wrong.

sometimes a person is so open to love others no matter their flaws, that's its hard to believe that they could have that same unconditional love back. and when it comes around, its hard to accept it. change is always hard no matter what, good or bad. i got into the flow of things, and i talked myself into the "well that's just the way things are" mentality that i felt like there would never be anything better... that the situation BECAME my something better. and then BAM one day, the real thing comes along, and i wasn't too sure how to act with it. i didn't understand how to allow the real thing to make me happy and to let go of the settled. its hard to make the transition. some people make it, and some don't.

I'm determined to make it, because no matter how many irking thoughts i have, i KNOW i deserve this. i deserve you. i deserve my something good, FINALLY. i deserve that true unconditional love. and i realize that you're the only person that could give me such a thing. so when i say i love you.. it just seems too simple because there's more to it then that. there's more feeling behind it. i love you seems too mundane of a phrase to use for you. its not profound enough. but in some odd way, it says it all. it wraps every waking emotion i feel about you into three simple words... that are too simple, but yet perfect all at the same time.

I don't know. i just love you. all of you. for who you are. always.

In class...

So I was sitting in my Acts class next to a person I once considered a best friend. At this point in time I'm not sure what to consider her anymore. It was kind of weird actually, because she never sat next to me in this class. I'd sit in the back while she sat in the front with her two other friends. It was unexpected actually. I didn't mind them sitting next to me, it was whatever.But as I was trying to do an assignment for another class I couldn't get this scene out of my head, so I opened a blank page and began to type. I know she was reading over my shoulder, because I could feel her begin to get uneasy at what I typed...

Looking around, in the darkness I sit. I wonder why no one has come to rescue me. I’ve done everything they told me to do. I reflected back… I read, I prayed… I did everything they told me to do but still I sit here empty. I acted the way they wanted me to. Happy, proper, never looking disappointed. Looking as if one could be Jesus’ best friend. I didn’t show my brokenness to them, in fear that they wouldn’t be able to handle it. But still inside I felt the need to. Maybe they’d be able to help me. Just maybe. I closed my eyes and could see myself proceeding to share, but in the end I was torn down, bruised and beaten with words of hate and not love. They believed in Jesus and as did I, but there was no love shown within my vulnerability. I open my eyes and anger fills me. Before I said anything to them, they showed me love. They cared for me, but as soon as I allowed them into my darkness they out shined me with their "truth" and missed me. Sitting in my thoughts I then saw a light shine off into the distance. So tempted I would have rather walked away from it. But in a loud voice I heard, “Don’t walk away. There is love here”. I turned. “Run to me my love, run to me”. I was filled with such fire, that wasn’t of anger for once but of passion and of a longing love and acceptance I’ve been waiting for. Panting in exhaustion I reached a man, I laid my head upon his chest and wept. He wrapped me in his arms and I could feel his love pour out onto me. “When doubt fills you, don’t run. Do not entertain those thoughts, but run to me. Have faith in me and run to me. Love me with all you have, and keep your faith in me not those around you. In the end it will just be you and me. I’m the only one that will love you forever and ever. Be different and love everyone no matter their situation. Even those who have hurt you, love them. But do not love them in your own strength; love them in My strength.” He then touched my chest, and my heart began to glow and my surroundings began to illuminate. There I sat, no longer in darkness. I felt my chest, and could feel the beat of my heart once again.

As life goes you will encounter those who will build you in love, and those who will tear you down in ignorance. Hold on to the ones who will love you no matter the cause. Who will show you the love of God, and be there no matter what. Someone who will be there to listen to you, hears you, and speaks to you in truth. There’s a difference between sharing one’s thoughts and pushing ones beliefs on another. God is the only who can change anyone’s heart and way of thinking, through the Holy Spirit. No one person can change another person, only God has the power to change a person. A person can plant the seed of change within another, but God will water and fertilize that seed into a beautiful harvest.

TRUTH

Life is what you make it out to be. There will be those to lift you up and those who will bring you down. Hold on to the ones who believe in you and your future. The ones who ACCEPT you for who you are, and don't feel the need for you to change unless it's to better your character. Life's to short to be lived trying to prove yourself to those who don't accept you. So kick them to the curb, and find the ones who will help fulfill the destiny God has for you. Nothing is perfect, but move in life with freedom from all the labels that may be placed on you by other people. In the end when it's all said and done it's just gonna be you and God. God doesn't look at labels, he looks at the heart.

One Love.