So today was a lot better then yesterday. I forgot to set my alarm for work today... Oops. My body felt like it got hit by a semi-truck, but after running tonight it feels a little better.
Well today in therapy the thought of marriage was brought up. Being here at Biola, marriage is something brought up everywhere and anywhere. I don't think there's been one day at school I didn't over hear on a conversation about the topic. I bet you're wondering, so Keena what's your view on marriage? I think it's been watered down just like love personally. People jump into marriage without even thinking about what's really in store, especially here at school. Let's take a look at what goes into getting married here at BIOLA.
Boy meets girl in September. Go on a few dates. BAM ring by spring. LIKE WHAT THE HELL. I feel within this small community people assume hey you're a Christian I'm a Christian let's get married. I'm over-exaggerating just a little bit but to an extent it's true.
Marriage today isn't like marriage back in the 50's. The dynamics have change along with the people. The divorce rates are off the charts in the church and out in society. What is marriage seen as anymore anyways?
To many it seems so ideal to get married and have kids. I don't question the social institution of marriage, but how people rush into it with no regard in what marriage entails is what I question.
Many Christians believe that by allowing homosexuals to get married, they ruin the santity of marriage. Hm, funny when there are many Christian marriages that don't make it 10 years now a days. Now you're probably asking, well Keena what are your views on homosexuals being able to get married? You may think you know the answer by the thought given above, but don't be decieved by what you think you may see, and I realize there is more to the Christian argument against homosexual relations/marriages.
Anyways, I feel one could be successful and fulfilled without being married. At this point in time I personally don't want to get married, unless it's for life and not just a thing to do because it's so ideal, but for what it was back in the days.
For some odd reason my mom has been really on my heart lately. I mean how many times a day do you truly think about your mom in such a way that makes you want to just break down and cry, because of the love she's given you and showed to others along the way of her life. What brought me to this point of breaking down just about 5 minutes ago, is knowing that my mom is going to be turning 40, December 27. I know looking at this pic you wouldn't think my mom would be turning 40, but yes folks my mommy is gonna be 40. I guess you're probably wondering, okay you're mom is getting older like everyone else. But what drives me is that for half her life, she spent being a mother to me. Do the math yall, half of 40 is 20... which means she had me at 20, and how old am i folks...OOO yeah 20. She spent half of her life loving me, caring for me, and being there for me in countless of ways.
Once upon working 2 jobs and still being a mom to both my younger sister and I. She made sacrifices I still cry over to this day, like her bringing home left overs from the nursing homes she worked at. Grant it the food wasn't all that grate, but it was better then nothing. People at work would make fun of her yall, straight up clown my mom for trying to survive, but my mother didn't give in. She was focused, and knew what she had to do in order to make ends meet for us. When she had to work double shifts at work, and couldn't afford a babysitter Adonia and I would always go with her to work. Okay now at the age of 6 and 3, how would you like to hear old people screaming while you're trying to go to sleep in one of those hospital beds. Can we say scariness... But there was no other choice for us. My mom is a woman of humility, and that showed in these two examples I've shared with you.
I always ask myself why do I love people with so much compassion, because that's what I saw my mom do. Why am I so giving and caring of others well-being over my own well-being most of the time, because that's what I saw my mom do and continue to do. There's so much this woman has taught me, and sometimes I take those things for grant it. She taught me how to love well and how to give expecting nothing in return. She taught me how to be there for people when they need you, because you never know when you may need them in return.
I thank God for blessing me with her. She has the most beautiful spirit. She's a woman I hope to be like someday. I feel like I have a long way to go sometimes, but she encourages me to keep striving to be the best I can be.
Sadness, grief, lost, pain, hurt, weariness, weak, guilt, conviction and many other array of adjectives that can relate to the above. All those adjectives can describe heartache and how it can be brought about.
After pondering for a few months, and talking to a few of my mentors I've come to a realization of another thing that can bring on heartache. The mending of a broken heart.
As the old saying goes, "Sometimes things have to get worst in order to get better." As we begin to surrender our lives to Christ, he begins to do a work in our heart. Taking out things, rearranging, drilling, and scraping all the things have broken our heart. It hurts so bad sometimes, you think because of past sins that God is coming back to punish you, which could be true when it's all said and done. But that punishment isn't Him seeking revenge. It's because He cares enough to let you know, what you did was wrong and that something better is to come of it all.
I've struggled a lot with the whole heartache thing, not enough to say I'm an expert, but enough to be aware of the feelings that come with it. Life is hard with everything that's going on in it. Much of it we're unaware of what's taking place in the world a majority of the time. Everyone feels heartache to a degree. But what I've learn is that heartache isn't always negative, even though it feels uncomfortable for the most part. Sometimes it's God doing some rearranging, and allowing light to shine in those places that were once dark and hidden. I'm seeing that heartache won't last forever, because soon enough all the pain and tears of this world will be no more.
It amazes me how much I've focused on this hurt brought upon me long ago, and forgot about the good times shared with this person. Easily persuaded by others to just forget everything and move on. I can finally say that this hurt and anger no longer resides in my heart that had before for 2-3 months now. This hurt/pain has shifted towards love.
Life is to easily molded and shaped by hurt. Seeking revenge, or wanting that person to hurt just as much as you did, or a greater display of passive-aggressive behavior is aquired. It's crazy now that i think about it. We all have or will experience suffering, it's a part of life. Whether physically, emotionally, or mentally; suffering will come and make it's mark on us. But what you do with it, is what will shape you and your character in the long hall.
Society says it's a part of human nature to be angry, upset, confused, and grieved when trouble comes our way, which is true. But where does happiness, joy, peace, and love come in? So many focus on just the negative, and fail to look for the treasure within the darkness. Many don't know that there are treasures hidden in darkness. The real lesson being taught, underneath it all.
The lesson I was taught through my degree of suffering is that your actions speak a lot louder then your words. If you say something you better mean what you say cause you never know when it will be put to the test, and your actions are gonna have to match up. In the midst of chaos you feel like you're obligated to say things in order to keep people close or keep a situation under your control; but when the fire hits, your words are then tested to be true or false through your actions.
I'd like to think of myself as a genuine person. The type that wears her heart on her sleeve, and is willing to go the distance for those she cares about most because she believes they are worth it. Over this past summer and grueling 2-3 months, my words were put to the test. Willing to be there for this person no matter what happened in the end. That I'd love her regardless of the circumstance and the things that would transform our relation to one another. That I'd be her friend, when times got rough. Even when the storm clouds fell. As much as she tried to push me a way, I'd be there. Giving space, to let things run there course but being there just in case. It was hard, but love is what kept encouraging me.
Love is hard to find. Correction. True, authentic, genuine love is hard to find. A friend who will be there no matter the situation. Be there to lift you up, cry, and just hold you when things were hard. A person who would still be there for you. Arms wide open even when you walked away from them, chasing something they knew wasn't good for you, but they would not pass judgment on you anyways. It's easy for me to like people as for what they are capable of. But it's easier for me to love people for who they are and they were intended for. Creatures who are created to bear the Image of God, their creator.
Going to a bible school, you're required to take bible classes. Yours truly has the pleasure of taking Theology 1. We just got done going over the doctrine of humanity. One thing that stuck out to me, is how society is so stuck on the functionality of humanity and not the essence of what they were intended for. I was blown away, when my professor spoked on Functionality of humanity vs. the essence of humanity (I'll try and expound on this later). I'm not sure how I started preaching, but like my friend Tiff would say, "someone hand me the mic" LOL ;). But seriously, I think if more people were able to see humanity for what it was truly created for and not just look at the works/functions of humanity things would be a little different. I dont even know how I got here.
I don't even know what I was trying to say in all of this, except Love is the driving force of my life. Loving those who don't know what it's meant to be loved. Sometimes I'm in awe of how much God loves me, regardless of my flaws a love that I need to start showing. I know it's not gonna be easy, but that's the desire of my heart. But anways it's 1:55am and I'm rambling... this is a call for sleep. Peace out peeps.
Today was a great day. One of those days full of different insights where you can't help but share with someone or just write about it.
It was a typical Wednesday. Intro to Sociology in the morning and good old stats afterward. Took a nice nap. I bet you're wondering where I'm going with all this but I'll get to the good stuff right about now...
Anyways today's therapy session was so amazing. Being able to let out how I really and honestly feel without being told how I should feel or being told what I need to be feeling at this point in time. I was just able to speak what I was feeling. With everything that's happened within the past few months...From my stage of "rebelling" to someone who meant the whole world to me making a move that's changed the dynamics of us.
It's so difficult to change so quick and rapidly when I've been used to texting this person everyday, just talking about nothing. Just having that person on the other end responding to my nothingness was something i looked forward to all the time. Getting to know her. Spending so much time with her. After my drive with my friend, Jen, on Monday to old sights Cacey and I once visited, I realized how many miles Cacey and I covered together while she was in California. From L.A. to San Diego. From my hometown to her hometown. It's like she's here, but not here. I feel her almost everywhere around me outside these Biola gates. Well now that I think about it, she's here as well... because I remember taking her on a late night tour when i had to get some stuff from my dorm. I guess where I'm getting with all this is that I had no boundaries with her. I let her in to me, and who I was.
I gave her full reign of me, in my opinion and that's where I feel a lot of this hurt and pain comes from. I was attached to her on such a different level, a different scale. Emotions were tied in and played a huge role, in what I felt for her at the time. I know you're probably wondering who is this her she speaks of... She knows who she is, but if you really must know go back in some of my blogs and you'll get some clue of who she is.
But in essence I guess what I'm really feeling is that I was caught in a web of her confusion, basically in the wrong place at the right time. I spoke a lot on this in therapy. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret what took place between her and I because I believe everything happens for a reason. I'm just now getting around to really getting down to the root of what's going on in my heart and mind. It just feels sometimes I was left to just get out of this web by myself. It's hard to figure out something by yourself, when you didn't get into that situation by yourself. And it's also difficult to express how you and what you feel to the person that was with you in this, when it seems like they've already moved on from it. It makes the situation frustrating, and I begin to wonder/question.
This young lady, knew me. Studied me sooo very well. She didnt know me for more then I think at least a month and she could tell when I would shut down, or when i was upset, even when i was deep in thought. I mean it doesn't make it anymore better that I'm easy to read anyway. But it's funny how she took so much time to study me, how i was so interesting to her at a point in time, and now I really don't know what I am to her. But she's missing the very significance of me now.
Though I'm hurting and in pain at certain times, I still choose to pick up and try to get through this. Grant it, it hasn't been easy. trust. Especially living back at school, when she was only like a mile away or so. Everyday is a battle for me. I literally have to take one hour at a time. Some hours are better then others, and that's the honest truth. There are moments where I want to give up, and just bury all of this behind me. Not try to deal with what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling it. But I choose to deal with it now, and that's something I'm most definitly not used to. In the past all I've done is push things aside and forget those who've hurt me. I'm choosing not to push her away, and all the things we've shared. I choose to acknowledge her existence, that she was here and made a mark in my heart and in my life.
I was eating dinner with one of my soul girls, Bo Bo K aka Kelsey, today. We were just catching up on summer. Just before summer, her and her boyfriend had broken up. So over the summer we went through almost the same thing. Just rebelling, and going on an emotional roller coaster ride. She told be how they haven't talked since April. How he refuses to acknowledge that she was ever apart of his life. I felt so hurt by that. They were together for 2 years. I mean how can you not remember all the good times you had with a person. It's crazy how one can completely not acknowledge anothers existence, but I guess some people just deal with certain situations differently. It's sad, that she was hurt so bad. Someone that she thought she would of been with for forever. It's just boggles my mind how someone can trick themselves into thinking that someone whom they once cared so much about didn't/doesn't matter or didn't make a mark on their life. Sometimes I wonder if i made a big enough impact on Cacey's life, to be remembered and not to be completly tossed away because I didn't fit into her new life. But I guess some questions are best not answered ~shrug~
I'll never question the love she said she had for me. Some things like being in love with someone else (as in our situation with her ex-bf) you just have no control over, so there's nothing you can really do about that. I mean you can bitch, moan, and scream (i've done all 3 lol) but that still won't change the circumstance. You can question as much as you want, but even that won't bring any closure to your heart or mind especially if you don't have that person whom your questioning to talk about everything with because they could just be telling you what you want to hear when it's all said and done. You just gotta take it for what it's worth and work with it.
In conclusion, love is a crazy thing. It's something that shouldn't be taken lightly and it should be handled with care.
Within this year I've been: bruised, battered, mistreated, misunderstood, taken advantaged of, manipulated, condemned, thrown to the side, put in second place, looked at differently, falsely accused, placed into various boxes (one of which I placed myself in), and much more.
These year events have been something so unexpected, for words to even describe. I mean with almost every bad there's a good right?!
Within this year I was able to see who was here for me. The whole Nicole situation proved just that. If you don't know it, just know when you point your finger at someone you have 3 coming right back at you. I had the finger pointed at me, and still til a few weeks ago she came at me so ARGH... I can't even describe it, almost judgemental like I guess (or at least that's how it came across). I know you're suppose to correct people when they're out of place, but didn't God say to do it in LOVE.
Also within this year, I found out that love/being in love or being in love with the thought of being in love can make you do some crazy things. That's where the whole AZ trip comes into play. Still to this day, I wonder why my love didn't turn into hate towards you. But then God told me, He didn't create me with a heart of anger. He gave me a heart of compassion, a heart of over-flowing love, and a heart of forgiveness. Not a heart of wrath, anger and hate... though i did go through those emotions I didnt remain there for a long while. It's normal to be angry...we're human. When we've been mistreated and done wrong, our natural instinct is to get mad, angry, and seek revenge. My heart belonged to someone bigger, and God was there through that whole experience, slowly pulling me out.
Now one can not relive these memories for the rest of their lives. It would be pointless and a waste of time. While you're sitting there wondering the what if's, the what could have been's are passing you by. There's a time to weep and a time to think of those things, but I guess that time has ran its course for me. It isn't bad to still think about the what if's every once in a while, but remember there's a lot more to look forward to.
So I won't be the one to open old doors, because there was a reason from them being closed in the first place. I won't take steps back, when I'm trying to move forward. I've come to far and worked to hard to be a victim once more of those hurtful events in my life. It takes a person of strength, endurance, and perseverance to move forward, and with God's help I know I am more then capable of moving forward. I know there will be times when I will look back, but I just have to remember where I want to be in the end. There's no time for unneeded drama. No time for unspokenness, when there was something I needed or wanted to express.
This is the year of the butterfly, and I plan on spreading my wings and flying off into the distance. I can't do that with so much weighing me down. Sometimes you have to let go and run your race, and in the end if those good things catch up with you then it was meant to be. ~Whatever Happens, Happens~
So it's been exactly one month since you've been gone, or at least close. It's been a hard month for me, not gonna even front on that part. I remember the days when I'd sit and wonder the what if's. Other days I'd just sit for a good solid hour screaming and crying. And other days where I just wanted to kill myself and not deal with all the hurt and pain i felt... and still feel. I mean it's gotten better over time, but there are still moments when i feel angry and sad.
I went to therapy on Friday, and I never thought I could feel such an array of emotions in the span of 45 minutes of talking. From happy to anger, sadness to disappointment... and so much more. Still processing things, trying to deal with all these changes that are so fucking frustrating to deal with. Not being able to talk to you whenever i want to. That's something i was so used to, and now that's all changed. We talked everyday for hours on end, and now it's dwindled to whenever you can fit me into your life. Which is in some sense understandable, you have him now. Almost feels like what the hell do you need me for. I guess that's where the anger comes into the play, because I don't know what I am to you anymore. Before i felt like i mattered to you, like i meant something to you. Now it's like i just exist, in the world of Cacey. I'm entitled to my feelings, and this is the only way i can let out my anger without hurting me, God knows i have issues with that.
I just don't know what role i play in your life at this point in time, when before i felt like i played such a big role. It's like taking the lead role from someone, and giving them a "one liner" and expecting them to be happy with it. You were something big in my life, and to have that taken away like "BAM" still hits me each and everyday because i know where you are and who you're with. I don't know what you're thinking, how you're feeling and everything. If you feel like you made the right decision, i mean it may be to early to tell. It just sucks to sit here and not know.
But what really kills me, is that i can talk to. I can access you, but he won't let me. You don't want to upset him, i understand that... but then i'm like what the fuck i never complained when he called you. I understood where you guys were, i sucked it up and took one for the team. it's just so unfair that he can't see it. That he doesn't want to see it. That i mean something to you too. That i had nothing with yall not being together, that was on him not me. I just saw an opportunity and went for it. Just feels that i'm just a secret, yet when we were together i knew of him. I knew when you guys were on the phone, but i didnt say anything because i had you. I didnt have to worry about him. I had enough confidence in us and our relationship, and i trusted you and you're judgment. SIGH. IDK. I can't continue to point out his flaws, cause that's not my place.
I understand he has his issues to deal with, we all do. This the year of the butterfly... the year of being more fearless and less fearful. Imma continue to take my time in processing my feelings, cause pushing them away and hoping they'll disappear isn't gonna fly with me. I'd rather be emotionally exhausted processing how i feel...doing it the right way, then being emotionally exhausted bottling and pushing these feelings. Might as well do it right the first time, then having to do it right after you've done it wrong for so long. It's a weird feeling, cause i've been bottling and pushing for practically all my life, because no one would hear me or listen. But i have a therapist who cares, and she wants me to get better. Hell i want to get better too. So I'm gonna take advantage of the opportunity in front of me. Still in the Process, but it will all get better in time. I'm trusting in that.
Life is worth living. Don't let anyone or any situation allow you to think differently.
I thought of suicide many times within the past 48 hours. I know, you're probably wondering WTF. Me out of all people. Well you know, sometimes things get the best of you. Where you feel like being gone would be the easiest thing for you.
Then I had a reality check Monday at work. Being around my little kids. Hearing them call my name, saying they love me, wanting to give me hugs. That's worth living for.
Coming home to my sister acting crazy stupid making me laugh, and my dog going bonkers when he sees me rolling up from work and my mom trying to sing knowing she can't. That's worth living for.
Even today, hanging out with the kids at the Boys and Girls Club. Playing Heaven and Earth out on the play ground. Running around, getting my work out on and interacting with them in a positive way. Seeing Ms. Tanya, and being embraced by her. That's worth living for.
Thinking about Melissa having her first baby in October, and I get to be Aunti Keena to little Colton Rocky Johnson. That's worth living for.
Last night, I just stared at a bottle of Vicodin and a bottle of Absolut Vodka and just wondered what if i took my life. By overdosing... or drinking my life a way like literally. Because of all the hurt and pain I felt/still feel inside.
Then I remembered little Zaria. And what her mother would give to have her baby back in her arms again. Baby girl, didn't have a chance to think the thoughts I've been thinking within the past 48 hours. She was taken at such a young age, and I knew it would be wrong to take my life for granted.
Then I thought of all the harm versus good I would be doing to the lives I've touched... knowingly and unknowingly. Leaving them behind, cause I felt I couldn't move past the hurt and pain in my life. How much hurt and pain I'd be channeling into their lives, because of my selfishness of not wanting to live.
In this life only the strong survive, and I plan on surviving until the Lord says my time here on Earth is up.
I still have more lives to touch, I just have to stay positive, and focus on the journey ahead. What I'm going through now will only grow me into a stronger, and well defined person. I know the road ahead will be tough, but I have a circle of people who love and care about me. I'll make it through. All I have to do is have faith that everything will be okay.
Life is worth living. Don't let anyone or any situation allow you to think differently.
In order for blue jeans to fade, they must be worn and washed...time in and time out. Go through sun exposure and dirt.
I guess the same goes with pain. I won't hide this pain. I plan on wearing it until it wears off. I'll wash the pain with positive reinforcements, so the next time it's worn some of the pain will have faded with it. My pain is like a pair of blue jeans.
It feels like you don't know how much i love you, how much i care about, and how much i'm hurting. Maybe you do, i could just be assuming... i mean that is something i do, but it's all one can do when they don't know.
I walked into your room today and just stood there for a few minutes. Looked around and reminisced on the memories we made together in that room. My eyes filled with tears as i looked at my side of the bed, because i knew that side would soon be occupied by someone who isn't me. I looked at the floor to still see the pink paint, remembering when we had our paint war and the masterpiece of handprints we made. I'll never forget that day. I could honestly say that was one of the best dates we ever had. Getting creative together :D
Then i looked in your nightstand draw to see the key i gave you. A part of me wanted to take it, but it belonged there. It symbolizes something more then what i said to you that day. I really don't remember what i said, but it symbolizes the key to my heart.
Then i went to therapy, after taking what belonged to me and leaving you 2 MJ tribute magazines, sunblock, and the lighter you can't live without lol. Sitting in the waiting room i felt my emotions rise. I really didn't think i was going to cry in therapy this morning, but when i got in the door i felt safe. That session i just talked about you, how i felt and what you meant/mean to me. Then i began to see, you mean everything to me. Just laying everything out to her, with tears streaming down my face, i felt free to express everything. Something i can't do with you, because it's about you.
You were my safe haven, i confided in you like no one else. I went to you for everything, and when i needed you most i couldn't come to you, because it was all about you. How you make me feel, how just being around you gave me peace. Being around you made me feel like, that's where i was suppose to be. There are days when i just want to be with you. Like we don't have to even talk, being in your prescene is enough. But now I can't be. I guess i'm finally feeling, the feeling of being left behind. I mean everyone gets left behind at some point in their life, but with you i didnt think it would come this soon. Yes i know we're still friends. Yes i know you're not dead. But that closeness/intimacy we shared is what i miss between us. Just being around you. SIGH. I miss being your baby girl.
I keep trying to see it all. That you had to make a choice. There were 2 roads, and you chose one. But then i sit and wonder, if you had the same exact opportunities here in California. A job, a place, and a car... would you have stayed. That's an answer i may never know.
Then i keep wondering, do you think about me as much as i think about you. I have it on my desktop just for kicks.
I just have these thoughts, of what would happen if you tried to come back to me because things spiral downward, what would i do? Where would i be in that point in time? But some things are left to be unknown until certain situations take place.
I miss you. I haven't missed anyone this much since Angel, and you know the story behind her. She was my rock, my fortress, my shield from all that was bad. She kept me safe. She held me tight when i was scared. And when i came back to find out she was gone, i was devastated. I was an absolute mess. Losing you, is like losing her all over again. It's a pain/hurt i never thought i could feel again. But i'm feeling it.
All i know is that i love you. I don't know what to do, where to go, and who to turn to. I'm still in love with you, and i know it's a thing you can't just turn off. It's gonna take time to fade, like a favorite pair of blue jeans. It seems time is all i have.
When i first heard that, I found it encouraging. When anything and everything goes wrong, there is an end to it. Nothing lasts forever. So everything does indeed have an end.
You're birth was a beginning, but your death is an end. The pain you face in life, there was a beginning to it, but there is an end to it as well.
You just have to endure until the end. Endurance is the key to this thing called life. You wouldn't be able survive without endurance and perseverance.
weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning ~Psalm 30:5
Why is it that the very things we desire to do we don't do, and that which we don't want to do we do? Why is God so gracious to us even though we are constantly sinning against Him? Why does He bless us with so much despite how much we slander and curse Him. How is it that we are loved unconditionally yet we love conditionally? Why do we repent only to sin again? All of these questions equate to one answer: God is love, just righteous, perfect, holy, forgiving, patience, and unrelentless. He loves us despite everything we do or have ever done simply because He is God, and He is good. We can never understand why He chose, and chooses, to love us, but all I can say is I am grateful He does. I can honestly say that I have never treated God the way He deserves to be treated; He deserves so much more than I can ever give to Him. I do not understand why things happen in life, but all I know is God is with me through it all and that Jer 29:11-13 is nothing short of the truth. Even when I fail and sin completely against Him His arms remain open and ready to accept, love, and forgive me. If someone were to have told me all of the sins that I would commit before the age of 20 I would be in complete disbelief, denying everything they said. It's amazing how we want to deny how sinful we truly are. If everyone were to completely, and whole-heartedly analyize their heart and life they would see how truly disguisting their hearts are, but many chose not to because they are ashamed of it and would rather live denying it all rather than repenting. On some level I cannot say that I blame them, since I know the pain, hurt, sorrow, and pure agony that comes with having to acknowledge and deal with it, yet it's amazing how releaving it is to acknowledge and repent from your sin. By nature no one wants to do so which makes the process even more painful since before the agony of cleansing the heart may begin, humility must occur, which can be the most painful step of them all. I guess a good comparison that can relate to this is when as a child I would fall on asphalt a lot while playing games and as a result I would skid up my knees pretty badly, so much so that my whole knee would be filled with asphalt, rock, and dirt. I remember the most painful part was when the nurse would have to pour hydrogen peroxide on it, which stung like no other, than proceed to "brushing" the stuff out of my knee. Oh how I agonized over the process of this being done, but once the whole process was better I too felt better than I had before it was cleansed out. Than of course comes the part where over the next couple of days, while it's healing that you bump it on everything and it reminds you of how painful it really is. Yet as the days go on it heals more and more, and every day it hurts less and less. Than the day finally comes where it doesn't hurt anymore and all that's left is a scar. Oh how I pray for the day when what I am going through is simply a scar, something by which I can tell others of only to glorify Christ. May my life never glorify myself, only Christ. I pray your heart will desire the same thing. Never give up, press on ward, and keep your eyes on Christ, He will give you the strength you need in order to do so.
Sigh. My heart is filled with so many mixed emotions. My heart is like a loaded gun, and I just want to pull the trigger to release everything inside. It's a dangerous thought, but each day my finger pulls a little tighter on it. From losing a little girl whom I admired so much to losing a friend (who's going off to fulfill something she's been waiting for for years on end). From fighting against the parentals and their way of living to the sudden death of Michael Jackson. So much pain can't be held by one person. Yet it's crazy on how I hold all this stuff in.
I know I'll see Zaria in heaven one day, but to this day it still hurts that she's gone. She was only 11, about to go into middle school and now she's gone. I know the Lord has her close to Him, and some day that's where I want to be. Standing right there with Zaria and hugging her for forever. I'll see you soon baby girl. I love you.
Though I know you leaving won't be the end of our friendship, it's more of an end of what we had. As much as I don't want to lose that closeness/intimacy, I know it's something that will happen. It's something that has to happen almost. You probably will argue it differently, but me being the voice of logic between the two of us sees it to be that way. I'll always have you to come to when I'm having issues with the parentals. I'll always have you to talk to about life, and what's going on in the world of Keena and vice versa. I just want you to be happy. I love you so much, and only God knows how deep that love runs for you Cacey Chavonne. You mean so much to me as a friend. You know so much about me, alot more then people who've known me longer then you have. It's that certain bond we have I guess. Just know that I love you, no matter what you do or where you go. Most importantly know that God has you... just hold on to Him. As hard as it may be sometimes, just try and He'll do the rest.
It's so hard trying to be independent, when the parentals try to come at you with all this b.s. Saying you're not an adult, because you don't pay the bills in the house. That maybe if i paid my car insurance i'd be seen more as an adult. If i could i would, but financially I'm not there yet. It's like that's what they don't seem to understand. If they were out on the streets homeless with no food to eat, would that make them less of an adult. Like seriously. Think about what you're saying. Trying to break free from home. That doesn't even feel like a home. Hell it doesn't even feel like we're a family. Some days i just feel like i'm here. I'm just here with nothing to hold on to, except God. He's what i need to start holding to.
People, alcohol, sex, money, and etc can't fulfill the void that's in my heart. This yearning to be loved and not alone, God can fulfill all of it. And I havent been letting Him. It's said that i know the truth, i know what needs to be done but i choose not to do it. That's why i need to pull this trigger. I need to start over. I need God to come rescue me. I don't need Him to help me... I need Him to resuce me. Rescue me from myself, and my own desires that aren't of Him. GOD PLEASE. I'M CRYING OUT TO YOU. DO YOU NOT HEAR ME? I'M TIRED OF THE LIES, HURT, PAIN, CONFUSION, I'M TIRED OF IT ALL. JUST TAKE THESE BROKEN WINGS AND MEND MY HEART BACK TOGETHER. IT HURTS, AND IT IS BROKEN FROM ALL THE SIN OF WHICH I PLACED UPON MYSELF. I WANT TO CHANGE BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW. I WANT TO LIVE A LIFE THAT IS PLEASING TO YOU, BUT I DONT KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. GOD HELP ME TO SEE YOUR LOVE FOR ME. THAT YOU CREATED ME FOR A PURPOSE. THERE'S A PURPOSE TO MY LIFE. DO WHAT YOU WILL GOD, AND I WILL FOLLOW. HELP ME TO SEE YOUR FACE. HELP THOSE AROUND ME TO SEE YOUR FACE. GOD PLEASE...PLEASE LORD ANSWER THE PRAYER OF WHICH I HAVE SPOKEN. WASH MY HEART, AND PURIFY IT FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS. GIVE ME PEACE, HOPE, STRENGTH AND FAITH THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. I LOVE YOU. AMEN.
While going through so much right now, I had to come back to this song. I remember this song Oh so well, when I felt so much pain. Not feeling loved by my father. Feeling like the odd ball. So insecure. Just didn't feel like living. Wanting to die, because I felt life wasn't worth living. Compared to so many I felt inadequate.I turned to cutting in order to relieve myself of the hurt and the pain, then soon learned that it was a cover to what was really going on inside of me. I was listening to this song when I first started cutting, and this song signifies so much.
Another bird has grown Another part of all of us is gone Another right has been wronged Still we go on and on until The words for each of us are all to real Still I am not able to feel what you feel And I cannot say how long, it will take for you to heal
[Chorus]
But I believe you will And someday your broken heart will mend I know it will And you will find your smile again Take your time, for time is what it's gonna take And then one morning you'll awake to find there's one less tear Then you've healed, I believe you will
The world has let you down And words that could explain could not be found To say that I understand is not enough And it's gonna be a little while, before your heart can learn to trust
[Chorus]
When you feel like all your hope is gone Keep holding on till you find your way back to the garden Find a way to heal you heart again
This soldier is tired of fighting. Fighting for something that right now seems and feels pointless. Going back in circles, trying to break it. But it's as if it's unshatterable. Trying to be there, wanting to be there, but parts of me is ready to give up. I'm tired of the uncertainty. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being nice, and holding back. I'm tired. Argh. It's like I never got the chance to be mad, to be angry, to be upset, to kick and scream because of the unfairness that was posed on me that weekend. I couldn't be a bitch, I couldn't just walk out and leave. I couldn't be ruthless and fall off the face of the earth. It fucking upsets me to the point where I just want to break everything insight. The rage and anger I feel inside is unbearable, and some how I need to let it out... but without hurting people in my life. Let's see how this goes.
Life is a precious gift from God, but so many forget that. I just lost someone special to me, Little Miss Zaria Williams.
I came into contact with Zaria, at the Boys and Girls Club; January 17th 2007 to be exact. It was my first day working there. I was walking around the club, trying to find my way to the Power Hour room (it's a place they did homework lol) when suddenly I heard a voice asking, "Are you lost?" I turned and looked, and it was this cute little girl in pink. I asked if she could direct me to the room I was assigned to. She grabbed my hand, and I followed her down the hall. I opened the door, long and behold it was the Power Hour Room. She told me how she needed to do homework, and asked if I could help her. I said sure. She was the first kid I helped at the BGC.
I remembered we played ping-pong and foosball after homework time. It was her, her cousin Dru, and I. We were having so much. Interacting with them was the bestest ever. They were like my little sisters. I loved Zaria so much.
My heart goes out to her cousin Dru. They were like sisters, even though technically they were cousins. They were so close, and now I know Dru is feeling like there's something missing. Losing someone that close I know has to be hard on her. Man Dru, I wish I could give you a big hug right now, and tell you it's going to be okay. That the hurting you feel, will soon go away but only God can take that hurt and pain. I'm praying for you Dru. I'm hoping that Marie will get in contact with the family, and that we'll be able to be at the funeral. Marie was another lady that worked with me at the Boys and Girls Club. She told me the news, and she says she'll do everything she can to make sure that I know everything that needs to be known. I really want to go to the funeral.
In the end I know it will all be okay. I know you're up in Heaven, Zaria, smiling down on me, saying "Don't cry Ms. Keena." But I can't help it. You were such a special little girl, and you taught me so much. I will always have those memories we shared at the Boys and Girls Club. I love you Zaria "Lil Z" Williams. Rest In Peace Baby Girl.
These questions were running through my mind this morning, waking up from a dream that I vaguely remember. All I know is that I was dancing to a song, Fall by Brandy. I was dancing by myself on stage, and then I woke up with the questions of love running through my head. I remember having a dream like this once before, dancing to this exact same song. But in that dream I wasn't dancing alone.
So what is love... I'm going to bust out a bible verse for this portion 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and a piece of 8... 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
I think these were like the first bible verses I memorized. Those bible verses state what love is, and I trust and believe that this verse is the foundation of love.But I feel there's more to love then just that.
What it doesn't say in those verses, but sort of eludes to,is that love takes self-sacrifice. Sacrificing ones pride especially. Taking slaps to the face, for that person when you don't deserve it. When they're acting a fool, you stand by their side and continue to love them, because love is patient.
Love makes you do some crazy things, I'm a witness to that. Like sleeping on the floor, because you had enough love for yourself to not sleep in a bed with that person you loved and their ex. So many times I could have left her in AZ, where I felt I wasn't needed or wanted. So many times I could have cursed her out, but chose not to. I could have retaliated but didn't. I could have flipped the script and just made her feel like a bitch, but didn't cause I knew she already felt that way. I loved her enough, to not leave her in AZ, as much as she probably would have liked me to. I loved her enough to not go off on her and curse her out. I loved her enough to not have said things that could have cut her, in the deepest way. I loved her enough to put up with what she threw at me, regardless if it was unintentional. It's something I've forgiven her for, and something I've let go of, but something I'll never forget because it shows how much love I am capable of having for a person. That regardless of the circumstances I loved, and I loved with all I had, I feel. So was I in love? Or did I just love her so hard that it felt like I was in love with her. I don't know.
Mariah Carey said in her song Butterfly that... When you love someone so deeply they become your life. It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside. Blindly imagined I could keep you under glass. Now I understand to hold you I must open up my hands and watch you rise.
Well 2 weeks ago was when I finally realized the truth behind those words. I was waiting for something, that I knew would never be. Her heart didn't beat my name,she even said that in a letter after the AZ incident/blow-up/trip of realization. I felt that if I kept on giving, kept on being there, that beat would change,but I was competing against a deeper love she had for someone else, and 2 weeks ago I realized that I couldn't win. I couldn't win because it was something that wasn't meant to be. I had to let go, because I would have continued to give myself away to a person who's heart wasn't for me. As much as it hurt me, I knew that if i truly loved her, if i truly cared for her and her well being, I had to let go. It would be a good thing for me too . I had to build up enough love for the both us, to see the brighter future ahead for her and I. I couldn't stand around holding on to these feelings. Once I lose those feelings of wanting to be with her as in a relationship/ where marriage could be on the horizon, I think a friendship down the road will come, God willing.
I will always have love for her, and care about her. That's just my nature. I'm called to love and to be loved, with just as much love I put out there. Now I'm just going to be waiting on God, to bring the right man into my life. Who will love me for me, and just be there no matter what. Someone who will just listen, but I have a feeling that may take awhile. Keeping up my end of a promise I made to God, her, and myself that she'll be my first and last girlfriend. I know the right man is out there for me. God made him especially for me. I just need to have faith, be patient, and just wait. Hope still Lives :)
A wise person once told me to not be like her but to be myself. I was kind of taken back when she said that, but now that I think about it... I was trying to be like her.
I was always the outcast. Doing things so differently. Thinking differently. Never was I on the same page as another person. Living by the ways of human ideologies and philosophy. I wasn't afraid to be different, standing strong in what I trusted and believed. But I lost all that for a little while, because I was trying to be something that I had no business being. I was trying the bad ass act, one who just went through life living by no rules. Doing what I wanted, when I wanted to, because I could. Now that I think about it, that's not me. I personally can't live like that, because I know the truth and I know the hope that still lives.
People say Christians, are just people who live religiously. Who read their bibles, pray, and talk to people about Jesus. Yes that's all good and true, but there's more to it then that. It's a relationship with the Creator of the universe, and His Son who was sent to die so that we may be saved by our faith.
Being a Christian is more then a title, it's a lifestyle. A lot of people try to live it as a title. I admit, I was one of those people. Who just took it as a title, and nothing more. Went to church, read a few scriptures here and there; and called it a day. But I know that there's more to being a Christian then it's name.You can't be a punk when carrying this title. You have to know that you'll get attacked by so many different people, and the enemy. So many people will oppose your views, because it's something they aren't used to hearing. The enemy wants to destroy me and those who have a heart after God's truth. He doesn't want to see the righteous prevail, he want's to see them fall. I trust and believe that. After watching the Dark Knight, with the church fam bam tonight, it all came into perspective. Deep stuff in that film, that I didn't realize watching the first time.
Anyways...This is a lifestyle I plan on living from here on out. I don't care what people think about me, I could care less. In the end I'm not trying to please them or anyone else. I'm trying to please God, cause in the end when it's all said and done I'm going to be the one to face Him. Giving Him an account on what I did with my faith in His Son.
Grant it, I will make mistakes. I'm not perfect, and perfection is something I'm not striving for. Righteousness is what I'm looking towards. Pleasing God in every aspect of my life. When I make a mistake, I will ask for forgiveness, get up, and make better choices. I won't allow myself to sit in self-pity. I plan on enduring the pain that I will face, and to persevere through the struggles and issues that I have.
God isn't a band-aid to my issues, but a helper to fix them. I just need to have faith, and strive to be the best I can be in Him. So my answer is yes, I am willing to be an outcast in order to ensure that the symbol of hope still lives. That's what people need now in this world. We need HOPE.
I wasn't planning on blogging today. I was going to wait until thursday, but this was just to amazing to not talk about.
I woke up to a text message, sent from my friend Kelsey. This girl lives all the way in Minnesota. Anyways it read: Babygirl just want u to know that I'm thinking about you! I love you and am so proud of how far you've come! Listen to our song: You Will Win by Kelly Rowland!!
Now I gave this song to Kelsey, when she was going through a rough time in her life. I really didn't know it was a rough time. I just felt the need to encourage her, and what better way then through a song. Now it's our song. A song that reminds her of our friendship and the support we have for one another.
This has to be a message from God, because I had a bad dream last night. A dream, words can not describe. But in this morning He told me through Kelsey that, " You will win".
Through all the pain and hurt you feel right now, you will win. Just Have Faith.
[Verse 1:] You've Been Going through a Situation Your Back's Against the Wall You've Been Feeling as If You Can't Make it You've given it your All But, I know what you're going through Cuz' I've Been there Myself, too So Don't You give in because...
[Chorus:] (You Will Win) You're Feeling Like You Wanna throw in the towel (You Will Win) You sure don't Know it but it's gonna Work Out... (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on (You Will Win) All this time you thought that you were behind (You Will Win) But keep on goin' cuz it's your time to shine (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on
[Verse 2:] You've tried everything you know to do. Problems just got worst. Even Family couldn't help you So you prayed and went to Church Heard a voice speak into your soul Saying “I am here with you, I am that I am, and YOU WILL WIN”
[Chorus:] (You Will Win) You're Feeling Like You Wanna throw in the towel (You Will Win) You sure don't Know it but it's gonna Work Out... (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on (You Will Win) All this time you thought that you were behind (You Will Win) But keep on goin' cuz it's your time to shine (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on
[Bridge:] You Made it through your yesterday I told you that you would (You didn't think that you could) And it should be plain to see that you've got everything it takes (Life is about what you make it) This Moment is Yours, see what God has in store There's so much to look for So, give it everything you got, you can do it So gon' and give it up to God, He can use it and don't you give in, YOU WILL WIN...
[Chorus:] (You Will Win) You're Feeling Like You Wanna throw in the towel (You Will Win) You sure don't Know it but it's gonna Work Out... (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on (You Will Win) All this time you thought that you were behind (You Will Win) But keep on goin' cuz it's your time to shine (You Will Win) So Don't look down, keep looking up (You Will Win) Forget about what You've done I promise Life goes on
One of my all time favorite movies. There is so much truth jammed into this film. But one thing that stuck out to me was when Helen's mother and Madea spoke about forgiveness.
Though Helen was put through so much hell and pain, in the end she forgave her husband. She was dragged out her house, all dignity and self-respect lost. She loved a man who did her wrong. Though she had her few moments of revenge, she was quickly reminded that she needed to forgive her husband not for him but for herself.
The key to forgiveness is humility. When pride gets in the way, forgiveness is but a long distance away. Not saying it can't be reached, but everyday it takes work. Everyday is a new day to forgive. You can't keep having a pity party for yourself. Ooo he did me wrong, he did this and he did that. I was betrayed, I was lied to and cheated on. I can't forgive him or her. I can't forgive all the stuff he or she put me through.
Revenge only feels good for a little while. Though I've thought long and hard about revenging so many who've hurt me in the past, in the end I knew it wouldn't be worth it. What's the point of stooping down to the level of those who hurt you. There isn't any point. You just look as foolish and dumb as they do. So you might as well man up, and just forgive them. It won't be easy, that's a given. We're human. When our feelings get hurt , we want that person to hurt just as much as we did. We want them to feel the pain that we felt 10 times more, and cry those tears we cried 100 times harder. But by forgiving them, we show ourselves approved as the bigger person. The person who doesn't allow things to tear them down, because champions never accept defeat. Champions turn that defeat into a win, by showing a heart of forgiveness. If you had the ability to revenge someone who's done you wrong would you? For me, I'd say no. Because honestly in the end God can deal with that person a whole lot better then I can. In the end I want to say that I forgive you. Everyday I forgive you and myself. In the end I know it's going to be okay. Just Have Faith.
Is jumping out on faith, praying that God will be there to catch you. For the longest you think,that you can handle it all. That you have it all together. When in actuality you're digging yourself an even deeper hole, by holding on. I held on to something; to some,it may feel like a short period of time. When in actuality it may have been to long. Through all the ups and downs, it's like I should have let go a long time ago, but something kept me holding on. But everything happens for a reason. Now that I've finally made the choice to let go, I know it's going to get better. I jumped out on faith, and I know God is there to catch me. He's been waiting all this time,for me to just have faith in Him that everything will be okay when it's all said and done. My relationship with God is so much more important, then the hurt I put myself through these past few months. Grant it, there were a lot of good times but I feel those bad times were the ones that broke me in the end. It took me losing two of my closest friends to realize the seriousness of what I was doing. I have a blanket of problems, like so many other people. I had to let go in order to deal with them, and make me into a better person.
Some may think it's dumb, but who cares what people think. I'm looking out for me. I'm standing up for me. I feel like a lot more people should do the same, but you're going to do what you're going to do. I know it's hard to let go, but sometimes it may be what's best for you in the long run. Hurt and pain won't last forever. Just keep swimming like Dory says, and everything in the end will be alright. Just Have Faith.
ple rush into it with no regard in what marriage entails is what I question.
